America's Most Talented Kid Fri, March 28, 8 p.m. NBC My little sister really wants to be on this. Actually, she truly regrets not being on one of the earliest shows of its kind, America's Smartest Kid. She thinks she's brilliant because she does well in school. By well, I mean insanely well. But I'm not jealous. She has no talents. Not that I have any talents, but when we were little and had Sushi competitions where we removed the cucumber from inside and stuffed each roll with as much wasabi as we could and then ate them, I always won. So take that, Miss studyaholic-4.25 unweighted. Rudy: The Rudy Giuliani Story Sun, March 30, 11 p.m. USA I want to talk about how when I went abroad last year everyone in New York City hated Rudy Giuliani, particularly the limousine liberals who voted for him in 1998 and regretted it after he outlawed pet ferrets from the burroughs and poor people from Manhattan and the areas of Brooklyn that rich people visit. Still, after September eleventh, everyone started loving him again, because the truth is he did a good job, and while the President went into hiding he actually stayed and supported the city. So I'll say this: I hope his biopic portrays him warmly and accurately. Sort of. Tim Allen Presents: A User's Guide to Home Improvements Tue, April 1, 8 p.m. ABC Remember Tim "the Toolman" Tailor? Al "Flannel Loving" whatever-his-last-name-was? That cool next-door neighbor whose full face one never saw? Most importantly, remember JTT? That five foot, one inch tall hunka-hunka-burnin-love? In this special, illustrating how sad Allen's life has become since the demise of his so-called hit sitcom, his unfortunate divorce and his ill-fated flops like For Richer or Poorer and Jungle 2 Jungle, he will take a trip down memory lane, reminiscing with you about his show, which ended less than five years ago. Don't worry, Tim. QVC will hire you soon. Just hold out a little bit longer and your time will come. Date Plate Wed, April 2, 9:30 p.m. Food Network A dating show on the Food Network? That's like the best thing to watch. Food and two people that don't get along. See my problem is I love food, but honestly I eat for two. When I'm in front of boys I get nervous. I can't eat. I'm just not comfortable enough. So what do I do? I sit there with an itch in my crotch and stupidly say as we're waiting for the meal, "Um I'm gonna scratch my crotch," as I assume the position and do so. Unfortunately you're not gonna see girls resisting to admit their crotches itch, instead they try to compete by cooking for each other and choose their date by the food the date has prepared. No crotch-scratching? Boo!

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