Madhouse Company of London's Wild Stunt Show Society Hill Playhouse 507 South 8th Street April 3 - Sept. 26, 7 and 9:30 p.m. $30, $35 (215) 923-0210 Some guys came over from London (and they probably brought some really bad teeth with them) just to do wild stunts. If it's anything like the penis puppets who make crazy things with their penises, I've got to go. That show did me wonders -- got rid of my penis phobia and everything. Once, my phobia was so bad that my friend threatened to pull down his pants and rub his ball sweat on my face. I've been traumatized ever since. Milongas: Argentine Tango Party University City Arts League 4226 Spruce Street Fri, April 4, 9 p.m. - 1 a.m. $5 (215) 382-7811 I've been told my roommate is more of a Tango girl, and I am more Salsa. At first, I thought it was because I was spicy and exotic. Now I realize, though, that the reason she is more Tango, is because Tango is Argentinian. Argentina, as we all know, thinks it's the Europe of South America, and therefore, the rest of us hate them. Same goes for my roommate and her youngest child syndrome. If that doesn't make sense, just keep in mind that I am spicy and exotic. That works. Welcome to the Monkey House Colonial Playhouse Aldan, Pa. Fri-Sun, April 4 - April 13, Various Times $8-$9 (610) 622-5773 So, these short plays are based on Kurt Vonnegut Jr.'s Welcome to the Monkey House. Somebody called somebody a monkey on television. The first somebody was thrilled. I'm sorry, but if someone called me a monkey I'd be like "Whatever, you're a... fat ass, fatty. That's right I called you a fatty. Whatcha gonna to do about it, biatch?." Then, they'd call me something much worse and I'd crawl of, crying, into a hole to die. DiscrimiNATION Painted Bride Art Center Caf‚ Gallery 230 Vine Street April 4 - May 27, Various Times Free (215)925-9914 We don't know anything about discrimination here at Penn. Money doesn't make a difference to the admissions office. (It's a lot easier and funny to make fun of the rich Penn kids right now. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings because I'm that much of a sweetheart, except for that time I killed my cat after putting him in the microwave. Moving on...) Anyway, you rich Penn kids suck, because you have a lot of money that I don't. I'm not saying your parents' money got you in. (Cough then cough why cough are cough you cough so cough cough stupid?) Anyway, let's beat discrimination. Meet you on the Green after the exhibition. (Cough rich cough ass cough holes.) Strictly Funk Presents: Karnivale The Trocadero 1003 Arch Street Sat, April 5, 10 p.m. www.thetroc.com Sometimes I think about the fact that I have become my own birth control, and how that reality has increased because of the fact that I am now in college. I now officially repel any member of the opposite sex. That really doesn't have anything to do with this hip hop dance show, except for the fact that I will not be getting any ass there. You might though. If not with Strictly Funk, then probably with the rap group called Oddjobs that they are performing with. If that name doesn't say "I will have sex with you," I don't know what does. Champions on Ice 25th Anniversary Tour First Union Spectrum 3601 South Broad Street Sat, April 5, 2 p.m. $30-$65 www.ticketmaster.com I don't know what they mean by Champions on Ice. Maybe some drama will appear -- another broken knee, disqualified contestants. I saw some ice skating competition the other day and this duo, if that's what you call it in ice skating, wore these matching neon green outfits. You know you're going to lose if your outfit matches the color of puke. They won too. The Last Five Years Plays and Players Theaters 1714 Delancey Street Sat, April 5-13, 8 p.m. $30-45 (215) 569-9700 www.phillytheatreco.com So the show is for blind and visually impaired people -- I know there are a million jokes you all expect me to make, but I do what I want. Anyway, while all you mean, mean people are thinking up your jokes, let me just tell you this one true story. The year before I came to Penn, I was visiting schools and I went out one night with some people I had met. So, we were going somewhere in quite a rush and I was about to bump into a number of people and, as we were crossing the street, I bumped into this guy. Of course being the drama queen that I was, yelled "Ugh! What's wrong with you?" I looked up and noticed he was blind. That's right, you learn moral lessons at Street. Don't say we never did anything for you. We give you compassion, you cold-hearted sinners. Richard Belzer Keswick Theatre 291 North Keswick Avenue Sat, April 5, 8 p.m. $31.50 (215) 572-7650 I've never really gotten stand up comedy. I don't think it really even has the potential to be funny. Like, that woman who comes to Penn every year during pre-orientation. Not that funny. I think that my hatred stems from this teacher I had in ninth grade who literally thought he was a stand-up comedian, which he was not. We were held captive in his class, and couldn't throw rotten tomatoes at him like they used to throw at Fozzie on Muppet Babies because we wanted to get into good colleges. Damn the man. Medieval Crafts Demonstration Philadelphia Museum of Art 26th and Ben Franklin Parkway Mon, April 6, 1-4 p.m. Free with museum admission (215) 763-8100 When I was really young, I broke up with this guy at a medieval fair. We were on a class trip and he was rolling this hoop thing one rolls with a stick, and I was like, "Do I really see myself being with this person for the rest of my life?" Then I was like "Clearly, I don't." So, he took my hand after he finished the race (he won) and I pushed it away. Actually, I pretended to be really sick and not talk to him for a week straight. Then we got back together. Thirteen-year-old girls can be cruel, I guess. Though, my premonition was right. We didn't last. Super Mecca Karaoke Smackdown The Trocadero 1003 Arch Street Wed, April 9, 7 p.m. $5 www.thetroc.com There is an old adage that goes "the only good karaoke is karaoke you are too trashed to remember." Sadly, to my knowledge, I have never participated in any karaoke of this sort. I remember all of my experiences, from sad attempts at Beatles tunes at sad bars in sad European countries to the pre-teen bar mitzvah era, replete with Shirley Temple induced renditions of Lean on Me and Material Girl. Honestly, I want to smackdown anyone who perpetuates karaoke as the art form it isn't. So, this will probably be a blast and a half. A Midsummer Night's Dream Keswick Theatre 291 N. Keswick Avenue Wed, April 9, 10:15 a.m. $9.50 (215) 572-7650 Why is it that people who teach Shakespeare are so obsessed with double entendres? I mean, it's like, fine, they're there, you're not making these sexual references up, but I just have no desire to hear my fifty-five year old, unmarried, rather plump teacher, in leather pants, waxing on about what "nothing" really meant to people in William's day. I mean, seriously, it adds nothing to my life. A Midsummer Night's Dream is Shakespeare's coolest play, though. Even when Ally McRememberHer? is not the star.

More Like This