Rather than use this space as a letter, I’m going to make you a list. If you remember from a few weeks ago (for the three people who read these beside my beloved Mom and Dad), organized girls love lists. I am, in fact, an organized girl. So here’s my list for today. It's called…

20 Reasons Why You are Culturally Elite Note: The word ‘I’ can be replaced by any of your names. Because, well, I'm not the only one who feels this way. 1. I have not stopped hearing your name since I stepped foot on this campus. 2. Your slutty pictures always pop up in my news feed. 3. I love you. 4. I hate you. 5. I want to be you. 6. You deserve credit for all the cool things you’ve done at Penn. 7. But not too much credit. 8. You will be wildly successful in 5 years. 9. I will resent you because of that. 10. Some day there will be a Penn dorm named after you. 11. My kids will force me to get them a doctor’s note so they don’t have to live in said dorm. 12. You were involved in a hazing scandal. GAWDFABID. 13. Your name will live in infamy! 14. You let them eat cake. 15. I’m curious to see what your kids will look like and want to remember your name in order to find out. 16. I want your accent. 17. You peaked freshman year. 18. You should audition for an MTV reality show. 19. Puns. 20. You're only picking this issue up to see if you're Culturally Elite (p. 3).

Street your heart out,


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