1. Next time you’re at Kim’s food truck, stop by the big gray building next to it — the one that sells yummy smoothies.
2. Run a mile each time you find yourself on a new listserv.
3. Forget laxatives — for a sure way to shit yourself, just go past 50th St.
4. Stand next to your freshman friends.
5. Put up a picture of Amy Gutmann in your room as inspiration. (She’s 62 and looks not a pound heavier than 61.)
6. Try having sex without the whipped cream for a change.
7. If you live on the third floor of the Radian, take the stairs. Not to lose weight, but because everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
8. Do your laundry in Hill. Your clothes will shrink and your body will have to keep up.
9. Stop eating Kalteen bars!
10. Read Lowbrow: we hear laughter really works out your abs. And we all know how attractive funny people are…
