To Joe: I’ve literally never understood a single thing you’ve said.
To the kid who thinks he’s from Alabama: I’d let you roll my tide.
To the boys always out on highrise field: stop trying to make your trampoline–ball game happen.
To the guys trying to get into my pants: just stick your hands down them. I am really easy.
To the guy who stole the Class of 2017 tree–planting shovel: you really dug yourself into a hole on that one.
To Lowbrow: hello. Peeping on you from a dark corner of commons. (Ed note: Fuck you Judy.)
To the girl who went to a party in blackface: you painted your face black, no one cares that you “didn’t mean it like that.”
To my roommate: Roses are red. Violets are blue. If you lure another squirrel into our room, I’ll kill you.
To the parents at SAE on homecoming: sorry for trying to steal your children, but in all honesty we all knew I was blackout so I don’t think I’m 100% responsible on this one.
To loud AXO girl: shhhh!!!!!!!!!
To the guy who plays Edgar Allan Poe: you can have my tell tale–heart.
To the hot dude with the eyebrows that always fixes the projector in my Witchcraft seminar: you put a spell on me.
To Ernest Owens: thank you for helping me realize that being alone with a pillow is okay.
To the freshman at Kappa Sig’s day party: I’m actually not a mechanical engineer, so please don’t take my course advice on Math 320. Additionally, my father did not invent coffee.
To the girl who got escorted out of the Radian in handcuffs: calm down, it’s Tuesday.
To Omega: drinking a lot and doing cocaine are not grounds for an exclusive club at Penn.
To The Walk: stop trying to make “looking good in winter” a thing.
To a certain freshman girl: in a matter of weeks you’ve had more sex than everyone in Rodin.
To my alcoholic housemate: that’s not a cat caller, that’s an ambulance following you home.
To the Harrison RA with the rockin’ shower radio: you should try singing along sometime.
To the people who endorsed themselves for Senior Superlatives: most likely to be people I unfriend on Facebook?
To everyone who bikes on the sidewalks: stop hitting me.
To the one they call needledick: actually, more of a rolling pin.
To my lab partner: that smell wasn’t the bunsen burner. Sorry. I figured you probably already knew since… well, it’s a psychology lab and we don’t use one. Thanks for being cool with it.
To the girl who comforted me while I was having a complete meltdown in public: I have no idea who you are, and you had no idea who I was. Most people probably thought I was hysterically sobbing because I got a B– in Accounting or something, but I was actually upset because I found out my Dad has cancer and might not make it to my graduation. You came up to me and asked if I needed a hug completely out of the blue, and it couldn’t have been better timed or more appreciated. Thank you for restoring my faith in humanity in the Forum of Huntsman.
To the guy watching Pokemon Battles on Youtube in class: you sir, are the very best.
To the boy who spent an entire OPIM 321 class posting on a Walt Disney World fan site forum: maybe Wharton isn’t the place for you…
To the kid sitting alone in Starbucks writing fake shoutouts about himself: stay beautiful kid. You’re lookin’ real good today.
To you with the glasses: fuck you.
More to come at 10 am!