DRUNK

I roll up to the sesh four wine coolers deep and oh. my. god. What is this line? Becky, hey!! Hey I’m gonna just slide right in here, so convenient, right? I sign in. The recruiter will totes loves the winky face I added next to my name. Way to stand out! Ugh, presentation time...Oh, it’s over? Guess I fell asleep, whoops! Networking time, my specialty. That short, balding recruiter looks like the perfect target. Didn’t you say you graduated last year? *Stares at early onset male pattern baldness* You totally went out with my big big! Wanna grab coffee? Ok great! Oh no, my gall bladder just seized up. Gotta go, sorry, I’m in high demand, it was so nice to meet you, bye, loves you! *HUGS* Aaaand now I’m running out of the Hall of Flags to puke in the Creperie. Sorry, love the way you do both sweet and savory! Overall, though, I think that went really well. I definitely made a great first impression.

HIGH

What’s with this line? Phew, for a second I thought it was the food line. Going straight to the free feast, obviously. Wow, this is catered as fuck. Grilled cheese, yes. Mozzarella sticks, yes. Brownie platter, yes. There aren’t any chairs left and the slideshow is starting, no. Guess I’ll have to stay by this food. Did you know you could put mozzarella sticks inside grilled cheese? I call it: grilled cheese. Definitely gonna mention this to the recruiter. Consultants love creative thinkers. Oh shit, people are already networking. Why is this girl yelling about her trip to Botswana? I should probably introduce myself. But this grilled cheese is so good. And that recruiter’s tie is so cool. Have I been staring at it too long? What is time anyway? When you really think about the time–space continuum...wait, is this for banking? I should be an astronaut.

 

PREGNANT

Coming through! Baby on board! Not even dealing with this line, where is the seating? Oh, judging me for taking up two seats? I’m carrying life inside of me—but you don’t think I have as much of a right to this job opportunity? I should be on bed rest, but I’m here—that’s dedication. The baby is kicking during the slideshow—who knew info sessions were as stimulating as Mozart? I have a definite genius on my hands.  Maybe this would be a good time to start the recruitment process for my child, it’s never too early to start! I wonder what sort of prenatal internship programs this place offers. Well, I guess it’s time to go use my healthy glow and enlarged breasts to woo some recruiters. You know, I’m networking for two. So what kind of maternity benefits do you offer? Is there an on–site day care? OH MY GOD MY WATER JUST BROKE. IT WAS SO NICE TO MEET YOU.