*Welcome to Lowbrow. This is all fake.*
Average number of times the fire alarm goes off in TEP every week because someone “burned something”: 6
Number of times that something was food: 0
MacBook Pros stolen last academic year on campus: 23
PCs stolen last academic year on campus (Ed note: one student actually donated her PC to Computer Connection. They declined.): -1
Number of fake IDs seized by Smokes’ to date: 652
Number of fake IDs seized by Blarney to date: 2