...to the joining in marriage of Mister Charles Vandenheuvel Moneypants III and Miss Rachel Goldstein. The happy couple met at the University of Pennsylvania, as apparently 50% of assholes do. Mr. Moneypants III was taken by Ms. Goldstein's grace and beauty when he spied her dancing on an elevated surface at a popular Philadelphia nightclub. Rumor has it that the two will be honeymooning on the island of Mykonos, which Mr. Moneypants II recently acquired as part of his purchase of the sovereign nation of Greece. The Goldstein kvelled to Forbes magazine that he got a great deal on it. Ms. Goldstein will be resplendent in a gown fashioned from albino tiger fur designed by Donald Trump as part of his new line, Look Super Good And Classy On Your Wedding Day. This truly is a love–conquers–all story; Ms. Goldstein, reached for comment, noted, “He’s not Jewish, but it’s a mitzvah to marry up.”

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