New year, new Highbrow—watch out baby Quakes, we are no longer on social probation. Your vacation tans will fade as quickly as your New Year's resolutions and Highbrow will be here to document all of your debauchery. Hold on to your bids, freshmen—this spring is going to be a bumpy ride.
Sometimes alcohol doesn’t fully quench your thirst. Before the final round of cuts, one Tabard junior caught a rush having sex in her bed with a freshman boy. Embarrassed and in a haste to leave, she walked back to the quad with only one shoe and sans jacket. The freshman allegedly claimed she was only making out with the boy and Tabard girls yelled at her, “You whore, rush Theta!” However, video evidence shows Tabards kindly escorting the freshmen out of the house. Looks like Cinderella may have lost her Tabard bid, but we hope she found her glass slipper.
Taylor Swift sings “Welcome to New York”, but it appears one freshman girl has added to her long list of ex–lovers after a date party in the big city. The girl’s boyfriend ended their relationship with two hours left in the ride home and then attempted to hookup with other biddies. We hope some upperclassmen and vodka consoled the poor soul. It’s safe to say that they are never, ever, ever getting back together.
That date night in New York seems to be one wild night. After returning to Philly, one freshman boy woke up in an off–campus house almost naked and covered in chocolate syrup. As our shivering friend ran home to the quad early that morning, he made a quick stop at the Fresh Grocer to warm up. However, disgusted employees quickly kicked the sticky boy out. If only he had bought some sprinkles, Highbrow would have licked him clean—what a beautiful chocolate man!
Highbrow hears that one off–campus pregame got too hot to handle this weekend. One sceney house experienced a little oven fire right before a downtown that evening. Thankfully, the fire department and Penn police arrived on the scene before the fire could do any damage. Surveying the bountiful bottles of booze, the Penn police were sadly unable to cite any legitimate misconduct. After the police left, we hear the scenesters toasted with shots of Fireball. If you can’t handle the heat, don't read Highbrow.
