Samantha Jones, a public relations specialist and best friend of Carrie Bradshaw—but not quite the best friend of Carrie because, honestly, that’s totally Miranda—will be delivering the commencement address at the University of Pennsylvania’s 259th Commencement on May 18th. Jones is the owner of a successful public relations firm in New York City. She will be the third woman to deliver the address to Penn’s graduating seniors in the last twenty years, after Elaine Benes in 1995 and Monica Geller in 2006.
The self–proclaimed “try–sexual” is expected to critique Kate Taylor’s infamous New York Times article on the hookup culture at Penn and make everyone’s parents uncomfortable. “She hits on a number of issues that are very important to the Penn community, like smoking in bars, getting ya man off, and why married people are the worst,” Vice President and University Secretary said, trumpeting Jones’ record on human rights and women’s rights.
Very little is known about Jones’ history. She appears to have moved to New York at some point in the late 1970's and frequented the popular club, Studio 54. Jones’ birth city and familial history are currently unknown. However, her prowess in public relations is unmatched. She sparked the career of well–known actor Smith Jerrod! After she ceneterd the “Absolut Hunk” campaign for Absolut Vodka around him, Jerrod’s career skyrocketed. This lead to numerous roles in well known films, including an unnamed Gus Van Sant movie. Jerrod will also be receiving an honorary degree at commencement. In addition to Jerrod’s honorary Master of Fine Arts and Jones’ Doctor of Laws, other honorary degree recipients include: Kanye West, for pointing out that Beck’s album really was kind of overrated. Dakota Johnson, for managing to maintain her dignity in Fifty Shades of Grey. Ezra Klein and Matt Yglesias, for the way they are changing journalism; and Bill Murray, because he deserves it.Once the the circle jerk that is commencement is over, they’ll join us at Smokes.
