9:40pm: Just hanging with my girls, drinking Smirnoff Ice. 

10:00pm: So, this mixer sucks. 

10:01pm: Is the floor is shaking? What happened to the lights? Is this an earthquake? West Philly is so scary.

10:15pm: All is quiet, too quiet.

10:16pm: They tore off the fucking roof! OH MY GOD are those their FACES?! I can’t unsee those faces. If those are even faces...

10:20pm: “Take me to your leader, beep boop beep.” But Amy Gutmann is in New York this weekend!

10:30pm: They’ve got Lilly! They said they’d come in peace. There is no peace. Only darkness.

11:00pm: *Whispers.* I am in the second floor bathroom. The tub is cold against my skin. Why did I wear booty shorts? Fuck this Dukes of Hazzard–themed mixer. 

OMG the tub is so gross. Why is it orange? There is no fate worse than this. Except for maybe...

11:30pm: MARTIANS. I sneak into Skeeter’s room. I'm behind the radiator. There are bodies everywhere. I see now that they came to Earth to steal pancreases to power their ship. I don’t 

technically need a pancreas. But now it’s personal.

12:00pm: If I’m going down, the martians are going with me. I’m going to set this house on motherfuckin' fire. Good thing this is a mixer—there’s so much cheap vodka. This is gonna go down like a damn inferno. Hasta la vista, baby!