Raise your goblets—Highbrow is giving a toast to this week’s fowl play. Join our pregame for Dranksgiving and help yourself to our gossip feast.

If you’re feeling yourself, please make sure you’re not in the library. On a quiet Friday night in Fisher Fine Farts, one studious Quaker needed to take a break from his work. Rather than a visit to Facebook or a quick smoke outside à la chic internationals, this boy began to stream porn in the library. In the horny heat of the moment, he unfortunately forgot to make sure that his headphones were plugged into his laptop. As the porn played, moans echoed throughout the library. The sex sounds continued for a solid 30 seconds before one brave girl got up and tapped him on the shoulder. Realizing this was not a helping hand, the embarrassed boy quickly shut his computer, packed up and left. Remember: when nobody's watching, masturbate like someone is—not the reverse.

Speaking of poor public conduct, one drunk boy finally recognized McDonald's for the shithole that it is. After a long night of partying, the Quaker found himself in desperate need of a bathroom. Sources say that, after a few minutes of aimlessly wandering, the plastered party–goer gave up and headed for the corner by the counter, unzipped and started pissing on the floor. 20 seconds later he finished up and left, with McDonald's employees none the wiser. We joke, but really: don't shit piss where you eat.

Over the river and through the woods to a Theos party we go! Highbrow hears that this year’s Woodser event didn’t go as they had hoped. Issues first started when sophomore boys brought the wrong speaker cables. Then, one sophomore girl was really craving an elevated surface and tried climbing up the speakers—but ending up ripping out all the cables. With no music playing, party goers resorted to congregating campfire and waited for hot dogs. Sophomore boys attempted to fix the situation by playing music from a car inside the tent, but the music wasn’t loud enough to reignite the party. Even though these technical difficulties were resolved, this party needed much more than a gas pedal to rev up.

Frat failures don’t stop there. At an Apes rush event this week, brothers planned for some surprise guests to put on a show. The brothers sufficiently liquor lubed up the party–goers in preparation for the strippers, only to be left blue balled. Turns out it was pretty clear that the rushes were underaged. The dancers could not scar the youngins, refused to perform and soon left the house. We’re sorry this was a literal show stopper.


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