Make sure to define "Résumé" for the employer

How the heck will they find your attached résumé when they don’t know what that word means, dummy?!


Attach a photo of Timmy’s puppy at the end

Too cute!

(https://pixabay.com/en/chihuahua-dog-puppy-cute-pet-624924/)


Let them know that you are literate

Too many employers have been fooled by illiterate or partially–literate workers in the past. Prove to them that you're not a phony.


Show off your bilinguality by writing a few sentences in Spanish… In Pig Latin

Everybody admires multiculturalism. The Pig Latin is just the icing on the cake. ¡Antastico–fay!


Include how many times you’ve seen Kevin James’ The Zookeeper

Fewer than six is embarrassing, but more than nineteen is desperate. Be aware.


Load up on the Onomatopoeias

Crash! Bang! Touchdown! Onomatopoeias are by far the most effective way to draw in a reader.

(https://pixabay.com/en/explosion-noise-fulmination-loud-147931/)


Do NOT let them know you are an organ donor

Nobody’s taking your liver yet!


Include a transcript of the time you flirted with Shannon Mayberry in seventh grade

That was really brave of you.


Use the Phrase, “Best _______ east of the Mississippi” as often as you can

No better phrase for demonstrating how confident and spunky you truly are. Use it as many times as you need!


Sign off with the correct ratio of X’s to O’s

You need the exact same amount. Too many prospective employees add an egregious extra X. Don't be that guy.


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