Orange

This is either a highly dangerous fungus that is fatal to the touch, or you are wearing tinted sunglasses/goggles. If you take them off and the snow is still orange then you’re either at risk for death or your eyes haven’t adjusted yet.


Green

This snow has been touched by aliens. Don’t eat it unless you want your children to end up with seven limbs. That being said, if you’ve ever consumed Twinkies, their shelf life kind of makes you wonder if you’re at risk for multi-limbed children anyway, so you may as well take your chances and see if you end up with some cool superpower. Let us know how it goes!


Rainbow

You have either stumbled across a unicorn footprint or some kid dropped his snow cone. Either way you should eat it. Unicorn footprints have magical properties that solve all your problems, lead to peace on earth and make everyone in the world instantly happy, and snow cones are delicious––you really can’t go wrong here.


Red

If this is blood, you just stumbled onto a crime scene. Do not consume the snow, as it is evidence and investigators will make you throw it up––it’s true, we saw it on a CSI episode once and CSI is law. Just sit tight and try not to disturb the rest of the crime scene. If it’s paint, well, paint has high levels of things you shouldn’t consume, but we say go for it anyway. Live a little.


Red and Black

Don’t fear, you’ve merely stumbled upon the work of a Les Mis enthusiast. Chances are they were feeling symbolic and turned to Eddie Redmayne and friends to solve their problems but needed a visual representation. However, this means that blood, spray paint or both were involved so it’s in your best interest not to eat it.


Yellow

This is pee you idiot, hasn’t anyone ever told you not to eat yellow snow?


Comments

All comments eligible for publication in Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. publications.