Cue the candy, balloons and strip teases: Big–Little weeks are upon us. While the girls get showered with gifts and lin love, freshmen boys are busy reading 50 Shades bedtime stories and making package deliveries (wink, wink) all over campus. It’s hard to imagine anything more humiliating than rubbing your genitals up on some random, red–faced freshman girl in front of her whole sorority, but being in the Round Up comes pretty close. 

At an SDT and Theos event, one unknown partygoer let his or her liquor loose on some Canada Goose. That’s right. On a trip to the communal coat closet, one SDT girl was troubled to discover everyone’s jackets, including an extensive collection of the high–end outerwear, splattered in pink vomit. So who was the pepto–bismol puke perpetrator? We hear the mystery is still unsolved, as sources say Theos insisted it wasn’t them, and it's hard to believe any girl would inflict such horror and pain on her fellow sisters. What we can definitively say, though, is that frackets are out and yak–ets are so in. 

Speaking of scenes of horror, after getting out of the shower, one Hill resident thought it would be a good idea to shave her legs in her room. Unfortunately for her, upon starting to shave, the girl made a deep cut in her shin and ended up fainting due to the extreme loss of blood. A short time later, the freshman, laying on her floor and still wearing her towel, finally regained consciousness and did what we all aspire to do when we pass out: rally. Highbrow is waiting on word about the supposed huge gash on her leg and how she still managed to go out that night. Seriously, please Gillette us know.

While our Hill friend might be in need of some shaving cream, we hear some freshmen girls got an unhealthy dose of the whipped variety. At SK study hours, some Phi pledges were strip–dancing to Beyonce’s song “Partition” for a few lucky littles. One particularly PHIesty pledge shoved a whipped cream canister in his pants and started spraying his cum–cream everywhere. Little did he know, the slip in his boxers and the excessive jerking revealed the pledge’s penis to the entire sorority for a solid thirty seconds (Ed. note: This is the same kid who brought the lobster to the Roxxy last week). We doubt Huntsman Hall had ever seen such risky jizzness before. 

Bodily fluids continued to dominate this past week at Friday's Feb Club event. One senior, who Highbrows hears had gotten white–girl wasted at Copa hours before, felt a strong urge to relieve himself en route to Atlantic City. Realizing that he had no other options after the bus departed from Penn, the guy allegedly chugged the rest of his handle of Svedka and then attempted to pee inside of it. Unable to Cop–a with his level of drunkenness, he totally missed the handle and instead peed all over the floor. The pee then trickled towards the front of the bus and got the shoes of other majorly pissed riders wet. Let's just say that when you gamble on a good night and lose, all you can really do is go with the flow. 

The Round Up is a gossip column and the stories are gathered though tips and word of mouth. Although we verify all the information in the Round Up with multiple sources, the column should be regarded as campus buzz and not as fact


All comments eligible for publication in Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. publications.