Tip #1: For the SABS rookie, the first thing you need to know is location is everything. If you’re looking for the best place to post up with a squad, try outside of Frontera or College Green. Reserve Capogiro for that job interview so you can flaunt your pre–professionalism to all the plebes on Walnut. If you want a less conspicuous SABS spot (do those even really exist?), the tables across from Phi Delt are your go–to.

Tip #2: The benches outside of Van Pelt belong exclusively to international students smoking cigarettes. If this doesn't apply to you, find another place to SABS. The only exception to this rule is if you have a three–to–one ratio of sceney smokers to disgruntled grad students.

Tip #3: Strike a power pose. Psychology tells us that taking up an obnoxious amount of space with our bodies makes us feel like we’re the shit. Let everyone else know by leaning nonchalantly to one side as you rest your other arm on the back of your chair. For added effect, extend the legs and cross them at the ankles for a pose that screams, "I am the Lord of Locust."

Tip #4: Wear sunglasses. This gives off the illusion that you’re actually paying attention to what your friend has to say when in reality you’re checking out all the people checking you out.

Tip #5: Make everyone around you think you’re having the greatest fucking afternoon of your life. Oh, is that your ex about to walk past you and your crew? Laugh like you’ve never laughed before. Or start to engage your audience with a not–so–regaling tale from last weekend’s outings. It doesn’t matter because your old flame won’t know the difference. He or she only knows that you’re onto bigger and better things, like having a fake picnic on a college green.

Tip #6: If you’ve been wanting to up your SABS game, try sunbathing. However, do so at your own risk. Side effects may include sunburn and people thinking you’re a really big douchebag.

Tip #7: Need a new spot to try? We suggest any bench on Locust. Intimidate the masses even more by opting for a locale that breaks the SABS wall and places you right where the action is. Snag a table and an outlet where you can enjoy your overpriced latté. 


Comments

All comments eligible for publication in Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. publications.