Some lucky Quakers spent this weekend hunting for eggs full of candy and chocolate bunnies; Highbrow’s here to assure you that our Easter basket caught all the sweet gossip. The absurdity might come as a shock, like the the strangely flavored jelly beans you accidentally inhaled, but we’re not April fooling you.

While the Christians are away, the Jews will play. Apparently, a couple of ZBT bros almost Tor–ah Apes kid apart—or so they thought. At Banana Leaf last Thursday, ZBT was getting blackout for their big–little reveals, while some Apes guys and their ladies were pregaming a date night. Things were getting a little heated, however, as some wasted ZBT brothers kept challenging one Apes sophomore to a fight outside the restaurant. The showdown almost took place later that night, when ZBT resumed harassing the sophomore and other off–campus brothers, this time with a fair amount of pushing and shoving involved. This definitely not being the first time Banana Leaf has had to put down a riot, the situation was mediated by a manager who forced the rowdy boys out. Thank God things didn’t go any more downHill(el).

The trend of frat guys becoming overly hype over nothing continued. After a UPennAlert announced police activity at Huntsman Hall last Tuesday night, students scrambled to uncover the incident behind the warning. Highbrow hears that one imaginative Quaker started a rumor that the police were responding to a Theos kid doing cocaine somewhere in the building. This rumor has since been disproven, but it reportedly stirred up a frenzy in The Underground. When the rumor got back to the brothers, scores of Theos boys started calling each other frantically to find out who the culprit was. Frankly, we can’t deny the complete plausibility of this coke hoax, but we appreciate the fake blow–by–blow.

Huntsman wasn’t the only place that was on high alert this past week. Three bathroom bandits were spotted going inside various multi–stall bathrooms in the Quad to unscrew toilet seats. A tipster tells us that one of the bandits would guard the bathrooms and advise potential restroom users to go somewhere else, explaining that a friend inside wasn’t feeling well. Meanwhile, the “sick” accomplice was busy doing the dirty deed. So far, the potty pirates have racked up eight toilets seats and it certainly doesn’t seem like they’re stalling. While the bandits continue to plot, residents better learn how to squat. 


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