Introduce them to the wonders of Jungle Juice

What better way to welcome your baby Quaker to Penn than to introduce them to the number one leading cause of falling down the stairs into their vomit–soaked fracket, peeing on a wall adjacent to the bathroom for no apparent reason and drunk texting their ex who they haven’t talked to for a solid three years? Luckily, it also seems to cause selective amnesia.


Throw them headfirst into the shark–tank that is Wharton

In order to erase any hint of empathy they may be holding on to, let them sit in on the Wharton Social Impact club so that they can learn how to ignore homeless people with 87% less guilt. Pro tip: This also helps with walking past the pitiful flyer folk on Locust.


Land them in the roundup with a stunt better than the Castle arsonist

Too soon? Or not soon enough?


Share your personal pharmacy with them

Give them a night they’ll never forget––or maybe never remember––by telling them the pills on the table are their daily dose of Flintstone's vitamins and that the line of white powder is just leftover flour from when you were making brownies that totally didn’t have any special ingredients in them.


Teach them that emptying their wallets is the only way to be cool

Lull them into a false sense of security about how fun and totally worth it downtowns are, and then help them understand that they will spend approximately eight dollars to get there, ten to pay off the bouncer to let them in with their crappy Connecticut fake, five for the coat check, only to have them lose the aforementioned crappy Connecticut fake and have to spend another eight dollars to go home sober. But, we swear, it’s fun and totally worth it.


Show them how the bonds of brotherhood are truly formed

Let them know that that half–naked, egg–covered creature is in fact a Penn student, and projectile vomiting on his future brothers was not the most traumatizing thing he had to do that night.


Sexile them

Letting them wander around aimlessly through the storied halls of the Quad with a blanket, pillow and distinct lack of self–respect will help them grow as a person.


Teach them about the value of a dollar

Tell them it’s a great idea for them to print out their personalized Quaker Days schedule, and then let them know it costs fifteen cents per page only after they’ve started printing. 


Show them to their first elevated surface

Let them take care of the rest. They’ll know what to do.


Comments

All comments eligible for publication in Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. publications.