Does not understand concept of Shoutouts:

Shoutout to Malia for being the coolest, raddest, best big in the whole world ily 
To Danny Shulman - I have a question
Penis

We’re worried about you:

To cocaine and viagra, thanks for being the two best friends a guy could ask for.

To my roommate: Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you

to my mom: im an alcoholic. Congrats

Leave us alone:

To the 34th street staffer who submitted a story about herself...just why?
To 34th Street Dining Guide, why are you reviewing restaurants if you don't eat?
to 34st street, just because you say fuck a lot doesn't mean you can write (Ed. note: Fuck you.)

Humblebrags:

To every guy that expresses disbelief at my major: Yes, I can study something complicated and look like this. Now fuck off.

To the senior in OAX who is actively trying to hook up with everyone I have: Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but how does it feel to be everybody’s second choice?

To the FOUR Theos boys that all tried to hook up with me at the exact same time at Itza: Is that your definition of brotherhood?

We are not a missed connections site:

Emma, that NSO kiss made me swoon. I thought the DP love notes would change things, but obviously not. Pls let us rekindle our romance.

To my APES almost thing: I wish we weren't over

To my long distance boyfriend: Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you

Leaves us with more questions than answers:

To the boy who asked me when the last time I got porked was: Picture it. Sicily. 1912

To my former NSO bestie who secretly put oil in all of my toiletries: your diary is more entertaining than Jerry Springer. Sidenote, I used your bath towel whenever we ran out of toilet paper.

To the freshman boy in theos that looks like a linguine: i'll have you al dente

To the Trump-supporting gay in College Republicans: you are as ridiculous as the pelican in your Grindr profile

To the Mask and Wig freshman who did mild hand stuff with a llama, ddid you ask her how Yzma was?

Fifty Shades of Plagiarism:

To the guy who makes girls "sign a contract" before sex, stick to getting your girls from Drexel.

What are you even talking about:

To HarryPotter, thanks for letting me bite you. I'm very sorry that my affection hurts so bad. Also, you're hot<3

To me: although u r just lil pupper and do the silly u is smart. At least u didn't pay $200 to go to fucking bamboo bar

To my favorite android: beep boop bobble boop

Lizard people unite! the dark forces arise in us!


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