Greetings, freshmen with good fakes, timid transfer students and seniors who never used to go out but are ready for that hardcore slide. You’re probably a little confused by the various late night spots on campus you keep hearing about. Fear not. Street is here to help you fit in and get down with the cool drunk kids.
How to fit in: Be either a betchy girl ordering a vegan non–dairy skinny Prickly Pear Margarita ($9.99) or a Philly resident in a motorcycle gang—no in–between allowed.
What to order: Nachos ($8.95) or a quesadilla ($9.95)—priced like an appetizer but every bit as appealing to a drunk person as a more pricey plate of food. (Ed. note: Fuck that, get a marg or leave.)
The Blarney Stone
How to fit in: Be an athlete or a Drexel student.
What to order: A pitcher of vodka soda ($16) to share.
When to go: Thursday for 50 cent drinks, Saturday for hot athletes in season (they get Sundays off).
Harvest Seasonal Grill & Wine Bar
How to fit in: get comfortable with the non–Penn West Philly crowd. Learn all the words to Whitney Houston’s greatest hits.
What to order: A Long Island Iced Tea ($8). Also, if you have the Yelp app, you get a discount on flatbreads.
When to go: Thursdays 10 p.m.–12 a.m., when the deadly Long Islands are only $3.
Fraternity Late Nights
How to fit in: Be drunk, be a freshman.
What to order: A drink you make yourself—Jungle Juice ($Your Dignity) is bad news.
When to go: That time in the night when you want to go home. Just not to your home.
How to fit in: Be drunk and a little disappointed by your night. Call it “Allegro’s.”
What to order: If you can stand the wait, a milkshake ($4.86) and mozzarella sticks ($5.95). If not, a slice of pizza ($2.25)—you’ll be drunk anyway.
When to go: Those nights when pizza is more appealing than a Late Night Fuckboi (aka all nights).
Smokey Joe’s Tavern
How to fit in: Befriend the bouncers. Never show up before 12:30 a.m. (unless your fake is bad). Carve your name into the wall by the booths. Brag about being a SWUG (Senior Washed Up Girl/Guy). Learn the words to “Smokey Joe’s Cafe” and “Heroin” by the one and only Kenneth Kweder—hint: The most prevalent word is “heroin.”
What to order: The Blue Drink ($5). Don’t ask, just drink.
When to go: Tuesday for Kweder’s performances ($2), Wednesday for Sink or Swim ($5 cover, 50 cent drinks).
Just “Wawa”...it’s easy to say with a drunken slur.
How to fit in: Say hi to Nice Wawa Guy.
What to order: Mac & Cheese ($3.59).
When to go: On your way back to your freshman dorm—those four red neon letters are your oasis, your glowing beacon of hope as you stumble home. Probably from a Late Night that failed to fulfill its purpose.