Just yesterday, Student Health Services released new data revealing the spike in visits during On Campus Recruitment, Penn’s premiere occupational frenzy for the cold–blooded vampires of West Philadelphia. It’s no surprise that the intense level of stress leads to an epidemic of flu–like disgustingness, yet researchers have managed to find something that does shock Knowitalls (Latin term for Penn students). In a recent study funded by literally every school at Penn except Wharton, OCR has been found to cause birth defects even years after leaving the University of Pennsylvania. 

It’s not only the seven percent of women who do OCR who must worry about this new research. In fact, males who believe their dick to be larger and indestructible during OCR actually have a greater chance of this birth defect carrying over through their negligible sperm. 

The research has everyone asking questions. Fortunately, Street was able to sit down with a few of the affected parents. Rachel Weingold (W ’00) and Joshua Levy (W & E ’98) showed us pictures of their first–born during the interview. It was a lot to take in. “It’s not that we mind that he has two heads,” Rachel started off. “It’s just that it’s harder to tailor his suits.” Rachel and Josh lead a focus group for parents struggling with the same issue. Single father Joe Malotto (E '97) brought his daughter Julia along with him. With acute BBD, Julia, at age two, was smoking a cigar and yelling at kids from a rocking chair she always has on her. “Benjamin Button Disorder is tough to live with, but Julia’s an old pro when it comes to dealing with it,” Joe shared. No pun intended. 

There are till many steps to be taken when it comes to combat - ing this issue. Amy Gutmann has not released an official statement, though there are rumors that OCR will be moved to the summer. For now, researchers hope to continue studying this discipline by testing whether or not these birth defects will hurt the legacy Quakers’ chances of getting into Penn.


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