While you guys were getting trumped up this weekend, we’ve been trickling down the deets. Some of you might think your weekends were almost as irrelephant as the debate, but like Hillary in a power pantsuit, you still managed to make yourselves look like a bunch of asses. Let it be known that Highbrow’s always watching, so unLes(ter) you have to, don’t put your recklessness on Holt.

Compared to the presidential race, the Class Board elections may seem completely unNECessary, but this year’s candidates made sure we wouldn’t be left (class) bored by their platforms. After being disqualified for promoting himself in the 2020 Facebook group, one future policy–breaker of America decided to put the Scandal in scandalous. Instead of choosing to run again next year, he opted to run up and down the halls of the quad drunkenly screaming “FUCK THE NEC” before face–planting into a plate of food. His “lack of temperament" definitely filibustered his chances at becoming the next cPOTUP (class President Of The University of Pennsylvania). 

Freshmen weren't the only drunk idiots this weekend. Highbrow hears that one Sig Ep sophomore decided to break the Phirst rule of Phight Club this weekend by punching a brother of Phi in the chest after he and others were denied entry to their late night on Saturday. Luckily, the beat–up bouncer didn’t have to roll with the punches for too long, because a junior brother retaliated with a jab to the jaw. Although the fight involved more than just a blow to the ego, maybe this phearless frat star will learn to bring gloves next time he wants to “dance.” 

After what we’d call the NSO pool party never toe be forgotten, we’re surprised Bamboo Bar even let a Penn affiliated group come back. Nonetheless, at SDT’s Bamboo Bar date darty, the pool problems resurfaced. A ZBT boy drunkenly polar plunged into the pool and hit his head. His blurry memory became a bloody one when the pool started to turn red. The security guard decided his behavior wasn’t kosher and kicked him out for pooling around. Maybe next time people will stick to dancing and not diving, but we doubt it. 

SDT bounced back from getting bamboozled and got straight down to business. At a TEP party, an SDT–TEP duo was found doing the dirty in the bouncy castle. These two lovebirds jumped into more than just fun when things started to get intimate. After figuring out that banging while bouncing isn’t a great mix, the two settled for a less bumpy “ride” and made their way to solid ground. 

In an effort not to get Dave & Busted at Chi O date night on Friday, one sophomore who struck gold by finding a treasure box of wine snuck her date into the women’s bathroom where the couple took turns chugging and getting slap(the bag)happy. The sunset blushing pair then dazed and confusedly wobbled their way into the arcade and restaurant area of Dave & Buster’s—which was filled with the finest Philadelphia locals. The delinquent daters opted for boozin’ and snoozin’ instead of dining and dashing when they sat down in a booth and napped for a half an hour before coming to and continuing on with their evening. Highbrow doesn't judge—sometimes we all need a power nap.


Comments

All comments eligible for publication in Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. publications.