Have you ever contemplated Ubering from DRL to Huntsman but pressed cancel out of shame for the level of laziness you were about to express? Well, now you can embrace the sessile lifestyle with Uber’s uncanny ability to answer students’ most pressing needs: dollar drives, food delivery and Pandora collaboration. Through September, rides that begin and end on campus will only cost $0.99, regardless of surge. The defined area spans from about 30th to 43rd Streets, and Chestnut to S. University Avenue. The catch is you have to request UberPOOL, though let’s be honest, how often does the driver actually pick up another person? 

Uber markets this for the times you are sprinting to class or heading home late from the library. Fair enough. But we foresee a high demand on Thursday nights or Friday mornings when dirty–rushing freshmen need to crash in their New College House suites (Distance used to be your only hardship. Why is the class of 2020 given everything?) or when the sun is shedding light on whose sheets you are under. So long, walk–of–shame; let’s just hope your hookup lives within the zone. 

In the same sluggish spirit, you can now have food delivered by your favorite Uber driver to your door through UberEATS. Last year they teased us with one night of free Insomnia orders; this year they offer more than 100 Philly restaurants on the separate app. We are talking both regulars like Hai Street Kitchen and Wishbone as well as treats like Parc and Waffles & Wedges. You don’t have to tip, and for a limited time, you only pay for the food, not delivery. Eat. It. Up. 

Some of the new features actually let you be proactive. Just open the app and you will see the option to schedule rides 15 minutes to 30 days in advance. 

Drivers were also given a new perk of ad–free music from Pandora. As a rider, you too can select what music you want to hear through the app on your iPhone.

We tested these features in our humidity–induced coma, and this is what happened. 

Campus Carpool: To my surprise, when I hopped into my lift by Van Pelt, there was another student in the front seat, already taking advantage of the promotion. The shared ride to Fresh Grocer was quick enough, and not having to cross the detestable bridge on Locust was definitely worth $0.99. 

UberEATS: I already know UberEATS and I are going to be best friends. I was able to track my Spot Gourmet Burger en route, it came earlier than predicted (in less than half an hour). And it was free because I used my friend’s code (share yours with everyone to get $10 dollars off your next order). The only flaw was I received beef instead of chicken, but I blame this on the restaurant rather than the driver, and as all college students know all too well, free food is free food. 

The verdict? Never walk on campus or go to a restaurant again, at least in September.

Next month, Uber should seriously consider these features: 

• Hiring drivers fluent in Drunk Penn Student Slur. Calling your driver to figure out where they are parking is the worst. 

• Pre–scheduled rides between sorority houses during Formal Recruitment that sync with each Potential New Member’s rush schedule. 

• Permanent walk–of–shame discount. Ubers from frat houses to dorms 6–10 a.m., Thursday through Sunday are only $0.89. 

• Textbook carrying. The Econ textbook breaks the Whartonite’s back. 

• Grocery delivery. You can order groceries online at Fresh Grocer but to get free delivery you have to spend $125. No thanks. We have already invested a ton in Uber. 

• Steep discounts when it’s raining with wind speeds that destroy your umbrella. The surcharges they have at those times are just cruel. 

• Water bottles and phone charging stations in every vehicle. Enough said. 

• Better lighting for snapchatting and/or filtering photos in the car. 

• Alcohol deliveries for BYOs. 

• The new ability to schedule rides is great, but being able to sync them with your Google calendar would be even better


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