You walk outside and breathe the crisp autumn air. There’s still a faint smell of beer–tainted piss because, after all, you’re at Penn. YET, there’s a coolness to the atmosphere. Pumpkin spiced latte in hand, you think you’re winning. It’s only when you realize that you have to find a place to inhabit next year that your bubble o’ bliss pops. October is a frightening month––not because of Hallow’s Eve, but because you have to FIND HOUSING NOW, BITCH. Street welcomes you, your best friends and that friend you keep trying to get rid of to… STREET’S OFFICIAL GUIDE TO HOUSING:
Realize it’s no longer NSO, so you’re already behind on housing. Stress–eat Brookside chocolate–covered açai because they’re healthy enough for you to keep in your house but guilty–pleausurey enough to binge.
Call your best friends, and be like, “Oh shit, housing.” They’ll respond with, “Yeah, we really have to start thinking about that.” Then tell them who you hooked up with last night and don’t resume the housing conversation for another three weeks.
Three weeks have gone by, and your big is already giving her house to someone else because the different–sorority roommate "really wanted it to stay in the hands of a sister." Kick yourself for not acting sooner and then kick yourself again for not pursuing a career in acting. Breathe because you know your friends who went to Harvard–Westlake definitely have parents in “the industry” who will help you out if consulting becomes too much.
Finally get a group of girls who want to live together, but realize you still have no house. Pray to Campusa Apartmynt, the Greek God of Housing, in hopes that she’ll find you one of the newly–renovated Beige Block apartments.
Realize that there is another group of girls after the same–sized house. Simply kill them.
Campusa has answered your prayers, but only has a seven person house instead of an eight. Silently agree with all of your friends that there was that one chick you didn’t like anyway and sacrifice her. Strip her first though because you love the bracelet she’s wearing. It’s clearly a brand but not flashy which just IS your aesthetic.
Realize you want to go abroad which means you’ll have to sublet. Transfer to Northwestern (you were going to go there anyway if you didn’t get in here, be honest) because it’s too stressful.