As the presidential election draws near, there are more and more wacky products to celebrate the two candidates. And now, from the makers of the Tea Book, comes… DemocraTEA. This is the ultimate punny tea package as the two presidential candidates find themselves “in hot water.” (Ed. note: Thank God someone is finally giving this country what it needs.) This election has increased the social pressure in America to practice what we preach, to value principles over party—if Republicans are non–racist and non–sexist, they are expected to suck it up and vote for the candidate who represents those values. We assume that this notion applies to tea too. So Street prepared a quiz to help you choose the one that’s right for you.
So are you ready?
Should you drink Donald TEArump or Hillary ClinTEAn?
What size mug would you like your tea in?
- Very big, why wouldn’t it be big, I need the biggest ones, and I have no problems holding the mug and I have no problems “down there” if you know what I mean.
- Big enough to drink the bitch tears of my opponent when he loses.
How long do you steep your tea?
- Steeping is for corrupt losers.
- Literal decades.
What color should your tea be?
- Orange like my skin.
- I’m okay with black and every shade. But since you asked, white.
How do you prepare for tea parties?
- I would prepare but who cares about preparation, that teapot used to be a ten but is a five now and no one could help the African Americans in the inner city as much as I could and I can cure cancer and I’m the next coming of Jesus.
- I would carefully assemble every aspect of the tea party, and people would call me over–prepared just because I prepared well and stuck with the script.
Are you qualified to throw a tea party?
- Yes, if I got the job, I’d be the best at my job, no one could do my job as well as I did, I’m the best, I’ll do the best job.
- Yes, I’ve been preparing for over 30 fucking years.
Do people tell you that you’re not charismatic enough or that you don’t seem relatable enough to throw a tea party?
- No, I look like a president.
- Yes, of course, I am a woman/female–bodied.
What is your favorite taste?
Which would you rather grab once you put your teacup down?
- The pussy.
- The opportunity.
Are you capable of admitting your mistakes in tea party etiquette?
- No (I wouldn’t have to if the dipshit husband of my ex–aide didn’t sext minors and the FBI director wasn’t a little dipshit too).
Are you a human being that cares about the future of mankind and its tea parties?
Mostly 1) You got Donald TEArump, a pure white tea with peach. You might struggle getting people to attend your tea party, but hey, Penn social life is rigged anyway.
Mostly 2) You got Hillary ClinTEAn, a vanilla tea. A lot of people will attend your tea party. Begrudgingly, but they’ll be there.
Mostly none of the above. There is no Gary JohnsTEAn or Jill STEAn, and we’re not sure if that’s because they’ve been made irrelevant by the two party system or because the puns just don’t work. There is, however, ShakeSpearemint and Agatha ChrisTEA. I know, we’re confused too.