Step 1: Set your alarm, “You’re So Vain.”


Step 2: Curate the perfect SABSing outfit: black pants and a black top (you want your outside to reflect your inside), butterfly wings (on sale after Halloween!) and a traditional Mardi Gras hat. Drawing attention to yourself is key.


Step 3: Hustle to Frontera, the holy grail of SABS spots. If it’s already full, kill someone who’s sitting there. All’s fair in war and SABSing. Pro–tip: Bring survival supplies such as 1) a butt pillow 2) iodine (to purify water) 3) a Swiss Army knife and 4) a Persian rug. You’re going to be here for a while.


Step 4: If anyone asks, you don’t know what SABSing is. You don’t even know what your name is. What year is it? It’s not cool to try.


Step 5: Surround yourself with a group of similar looking friends. Extra points if they’re imaginary and/or invisible. Corporeal friends are sooooooo passé.


Step 6: Whittle a stick into a pitchfork. (This isn’t specific to SABSing, it’s just fun.)


Step 7: Take out your sitar and start playing.


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