Confused soul: Wait, so only one of your moms is a lesbian?
Literal liberal: What are conservatives conserving? Stupidity?
Consciously offensive male: Every time I open my mouth, I regret it.
Professor trying to keep us off his trail: yeah shoving 4000 cash into my backpack for an experiment was the closest I’d ever feel to being a drug dealer.
Self–aware fuckboy: When I’m intoxicated, my uh, dick–eye coordination fails.
Celebratory celibate: Yeah we bonded because we were both virgins. Rare breed, ya know?
Girl who clearly doesn’t go to Penn: I would rather die than get impregnated by some ‘finance banker.’
Anti–canine cannabis pet owner: Guys, please do not get my dog high.
Frida's smallest fan: I’m going to sue you for defamation. Your mirror gives me upper lip hair.