The following article was found in the late Professor Quirrel’s desk. It is believed that he planned to submit it to the May 1999 issue of the notable wizarding periodical, DADAD (Defense Against the Dark Arts Digest).
Have all of your exes accused you of being two–faced? Do you have a hard time finding a woman who can fulfill your Dark fantasies? Do you ever feel stuck, waiting for your inevitable rise to power, co– inhabiting the body of some sniveling wreck who has no game whatsoever? Well, fear no more (not that you’ve ever been afraid of anything, anyway). With the following tips, you’re guaranteed to have your own body—and a successful dating life—back in no time.
1. Witches love mystery. Keep the romance alive by injecting the intrigue of the unknown into your relationship… The possibilities are endless! Start with a good mononym—it’ll drive her mad when she can’t figure out your real name. The mononym strategy also helps assert your power, and it prevents her from digging up the dirt on your potentially evil origins.
2. If she’s not down with polygamy, it’s probably best to keep certain sides of yourself under wraps. Madam Malkin’s sells great fabrics, and turbans are totally in this season. Change your turban regularly —Dark Lords can get a little garlicky if you don’t let them breathe.
3. Brainstorm creative date ideas that’ll blow her away faster than you can say “Expelliarmus!” Here are a few to get you started:
-Finally ready to introduce her to your friends? Bring her on a late night walk through the Forbidden Forest. The romantic atmosphere will have her swooning, and she’ll finally have the chance to meet all of your patient followers who are helping you prepare for your big comeback. End the night with a picnic, complete with unicorn blood cocktails.
-Skinny dipping with Inferi. Keep the turban on though. Trust us on this one.
-Take her to Knockturn Alley to get couple’s tattoos. The parlor only has one design, and you somehow already know each of the 28 people who already have it, but she’ll be down if she really loves you.
4. Darken up your sex life. If you’re a little inexperienced, solicit some dementors for kissing lessons. If you’re lucky, they might even suck the soul out of your host’s body, leaving the vegetative shell for your darkness to take over completely.
…but either way, it’s great practice.
Dealing with a more experienced woman? Get ready to bring your sultry A–game if she asks you to talk dirty. Lean in close, press your lips to her ear, and whisper, “…your mother was a filthy Muggle.” We truly can’t imagine anything dirtier than that. Truly.
Use the tips above, and before you know it, you and your witchy woman will be riding thestrals off into the sunset. Unfortunately, the head on the back of your other head has total dibs when it gets its body back. That’s just how it works— and nobody breaks up with a Dark Lord.
Bellatrix, please take me back.