Rita Skeeter here. For those who don’t know, I’m the witchiest woman with a quill and I’m not afraid to use it. If you’re upset about me dragon your name through the mud, welcome to the real wizarding world, where your own little chambers of secrets don’t exist. So buckle up first–years, because this past week was enchantingly eventful. Not everyone likes a snitch, but I certainly do.

It appears students weren’t the only Yule Ball attendees who boozed a little too much on Butterbeer this past Saturday. After a heated grind session out on the dance floor, our resident gamekeeper and the Beauxbatons Academy headmistress disapparated to the 3rd floor Prefects bathroom, where students reported hearing aggressive sex noises. Owing to the fact that the two comprise 1.5 giants, and it’s well known giant sex is the loudest and most BDSM–infused form of magical coitus, it’s no surprise some Hufflepuff first–years heard them down the hall. Thankfully, the terrified students didn't enter the bathroom, and thus become traumatized further. Ten points to Madame Maxime for giving Hagrid the real Tour de France this weekend.

Speaking of points, tensions were high after Gryffindor beat Slytherin last week in the final Quidditch match of the season. Unwillingly to be completely upstaged, Hogwarts’ favorite bleach-blond bad boy enlisted his friends in crashing Gryffindor’s celebratory festivities. After snogging the Fat Lady in order to gain admittance to the house’s common room, Draco Malfoy and his Slytherin kin unleashed a score of Cornish Pixies among the crowd. The pesky blue rascals wreaked absolute havoc on the scene, which included hoisting Neville Longbottom on a chandelier for a record second time in his unlucky life. It took at least an hour to get the situation under control, after the pixies effectively demen–tor the common room apart. We’re unsure what kind of retaliation might ensue, but we already know revenge is spelled W–E–A–S–L–E–Y. Beware Draco, or a pair of gingers might Fawkes you up.    


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