On Sunday evening, audiences around the world were shocked as the cast and crew of La La Land graciously made their way off stage to invite on rightful winners, the cast and crew of Moonlight. Though it was a night of warmth and camaraderie in Hollywood, other mistakes that were uncovered that night did not go over as well.
Dean Furda has announced that all Early Decision Penn acceptances are actually rejections, and vice versa. The school is expecting calls from thousands of Jewish mothers tomorrow morning and is gearing up Admissions Office employees with special Annenberg training from three junior Comm majors who interned in digital PR and social media this summer.
Newly accepted students explain their euphoria: "It finally makes sense now! I was a double legacy with a letter of recommendation from Gandhi and my parents donated a lot of money to the school," exclaimed Joseph Pennsylvania (C'21), for whom the university was named. "We just assumed that there were too many competing high–performing students, but now it looks like my connections are working properly!"
Other students are not as enthused. Samantha Green (no longer C'21) stated, "I can't decide what's worse, the fact that I have to change my Facebook status (which had 873 likes) or the fact that I won't be able to wear a Penn hat in Turks and Caicos during spring break. I'm literally gonna feel naked." When asked why she wanted to go to Penn in the first place, Samantha just winked and said, "work hard, play hard, baby. But don't worry, I wrote about the PPE major in my 'Why Penn' essay."
John Legend, who almost won Best Picture tonight as part of the cast of La La Land, also just found out that he never officially graduated from Penn. Sources reveal that he failed Introduction to Astronomy and therefore never completed the Physical World requirement. It looks like Legend never fully understood "City of Stars." The members of Counterparts are especially troubled by this loss, as they have lost their leg up on Off the Beat.