Hoorah for the Red and the Ew.
WORST WAY TO GET ASKED TO A DATE NIGHT:
They don’t actually ask, because it’s an eight–step set–up involving multiple friends, acquaintances, nemeses and TAs. You don't even have this guy on Snapchat, and now he's picking you up while posting memes in his PC GroupMe. You’re considering ways to roll safely out of the Uber but you’re on I–76 now, and it’s too late.
WORST PLACE TO POOP ON CAMPUS:
All bathrooms that qualify as a Bathroom With Super Wide Gaps Between The Doors—which is to say, 80% of them. Stay tuned for when the girl who finished before you washes her hands and makes eye contact with you mid–poop through the gap. Hey, Allie!
WORST TYPE OF PERSON IN A GROUP PROJECT:
His name is Grant. You’re not sure if he’s fully registered in the class, because he’s always skipping it for the interviews and coffee chats that he loudly announces he has to go to. He incessantly wears his P sweater to look put together, but in reality, he just looks like he doesn’t have a washing machine. He offers no help throughout the entire process, but insists that he introduce the group project so that the professor thinks he’s involved. He has one of those touchscreen computers and is obnoxious about it. He disagrees with you “just for the sake of conversation,” even when the conversation is about how they should split up the work. He gets an A in the class.
WORST PERSON TO RUN INTO AT ALLEGRO AT 2 AM:
Any person you recently Facebook, Venmo, LinkedIn, and/or Instagram stalked. Social media stalking is one of life’s greatest pleasures...until you run into that person at Allegro’s at 2 a.m. on a Thursday night and forget that they haven’t told you about their 2009 trip to the DR. You’ll have to ask them about the health of their aunt who broke her wrist in 2013 because you hate yourself. You won’t be able to resist screaming at them about how you agree with their post–election FB post, even though you only became friends in January.
WORST THING TO BE CAUGHT DOING ON LOCUST WALK:
Existing. Between the people flyering, people hustling to class, ex–hookups, and TA’s whose recitations you’ve skipped every week since February, Locust Walk is ground zero. You might get kicked in the face by a dance group or run over by a scooter. It’s a black hole of fake “haven’t seen you in forever we should totally get lunch!” promises and slow–moving tours. You can try to listen to music and keep your head down but eventually you’ll pass someone from your freshman hall and all hope will be lost. Worst part? There’s literally no way to order an Uber and gtfo. Tbh you should just avoid at all costs but if you have class in Steiny D PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
WORST PERSON TO SEE ON TINDER:
Mom or Dad. Is it worse that you saw them or that they will inevitably see you? Let us know...