The sun rises over New Hill. Gone is the scuttle of rats. Highbrow hears that the showers even lock. The once–infamous dorm, known for its closet–sized doubles and fortress–esque facade, was actually featured in a New York Times article for how profoundly ugly it is. But hey, it's all looking up for Hill now; it has been given a long overdue 80 million dollar facelift by Penn Facilities and Real Estate. Now Hill boasts amenities like air conditioning, making it at least as good as the Quad, right? However, 80 million dollars is a lot of money, and certainly some AC doesn’t cost that much. So what gives? 

Here are some ways that Penn could have spent the money instead of trying to revitalize Hill. God, has FRES even taken ACCT 101?:

  • $16m: Give all Penn students a pair of Yeezys. Step aside, (f)ratty white vans. Soon Yeezys will become the new darty shoe and Beige Block will never be the same.
  • $45m: Give the whole freshman class pool party tickets every day for an entire year: forget NSO and Fling, the class of 2021 ought to be partying in a herd of 2400 of their closest friends with overpriced drinks, a pool to look at (but never go into), and a year–old toe.
  • $63m: Buy out the economy of Montserrat. Finally, Penn students will have a place to relax in the Caribbean sun. But watch out for the active volcano exclusion zone that takes up half the island.
  • $65m: Provide the entire population of Philadelphia with blonde hair extensions so everyone can have Amy G’s patented presidential locks. 
  • Fund fifth–year undergrads and submatriculants: No precise numbers here, but almost 1143 people could have received full rides on $80 million—about half of the freshman class.


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