Street knows you’ve been trying to spot him around campus. Street knows you’ve been (mostly) unsuccessful. And Street knows you have many, many unanswered questions. Specifically, what does a Benjamin Franklin Presidential Practice Professor do? Would it be tactless to ask the 47th VP of the United States to autograph your lower back so his signature can be tattooed on later? Is Joe Biden even on campus? All unclear. But if you follow these five simple steps, you might just be able to snatch a glimpse of the elusive man, myth, and legend.


Materials you’ll need:

  • embroidery floss
  • letter beads
  • an absence of shame

  1. Tie friendship bracelets on the trees outside College Hall. You may just catch Joe off guard as he admires your handiwork (who says the College of Arts & Crafts teaches impractical skills?). Brownie points if the beads spell out things he likes, e.g. “TAX HIKES” or “BARRY & JOE: THE ANIMATED SERIES.”
  2. If he’s not at College Hall, trek over to Huntsman Hall. Rumor has it, if you stare into the glass panes of GSR F61 and whisper “health care is not a right” three times over, Joe Biden will materialize behind your reflection. Be sure to convince him he misheard you by mentioning your love for the ACA. Do this all before the Ghost of Joe Biden Past shoots you with his finger guns and ends your search prematurely. And if you happen to be in Wharton, you can actually book F61 and do the chant from inside the room (socially liberal and fiscally conservative, anyone?).
  3. Take a left onto 38th and make a quick stop at the UPS store. Ask if they sell human–sized boxes, and when they ask you why, follow up by asking if Joe Biden has a PO box. At this point, UPS may ask you to leave, but it was a worth a try.
  4. Double fist Ben & Jerry (Barack & Joe??) cones as you sprint down Locust Walk. The scent may lure the subject into an open space more optimal for capture. If you can somehow modify your mid–sprint “I’m going to work out at Pottruck starting tomorrow” wheezes into "POTUS 44" stutters, you’ll have an even better chance of coaxing Joe out.
  5. Naturally, you’ll end your Joe–searching journey at Claudia Cohen Hall, where you’ll submit your university withdrawal form and transfer to Georgetown because it turns out Joe will mostly be in D.C. and not here at Penn, and you really, really, really want to bump into him. It’s a big fucking deal.


Comments

All comments eligible for publication in Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. publications.