Early in the evening on a Thursday night, you observe a pair of people walking together down Locust. Both are dressed up semi–formal, somewhere between going to Grandma’s and flying out for a Superday. Their demeanor and gait are confusing: are they drunk, nervous, or even both? To the untrained eye, it's hard to tell. Here are some surefire ways to tell if your peers are going to a networking event or heading out to a date night.

  • Listen to their convo: Not to be creepy, but this wouldn’t be the first time somebody overheard someone on Locust. Listen for key phrases like “late–stage capitalism” or “but I’m only gonna do i–banking for a few years” for a sure giveaway that they are networking that night. Mentions of “bigs” or “the hot guy in their PC—no not Charlie, Andrew” is a surefire giveaway of a date night.
Caution: Any mention of their big’s summer internship and all bets are off.
  • Note their accessories: The devil (snake?) is in the details. For networking, think “pad”: padded resumes, padfolios, and PADs. Any of them, god forbid all three, and you know they are about to spend the night in a self–hating schmooze frenzy. For date nights, look for vices: a juul, a flask, or the effect of overconfidence are all dead giveaways.
  • Pique their interest: A power move: drop hints and see if they break their neck seeing who it is behind them. Take out your phone and pretend to be on a call. Mention “JPMorgan” or “BCG” and see their reactions. If you catch their ear, congrats, you found your snakes.
Caution: You could just look like an ass.


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