It's that time again. Love is in the air—and if you’re lucky, so is the smell of burnt wreckage as you imagine yourself standing over the ruins of all the relationships that you're not part of. With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, it’s becoming increasingly difficult not to slap the satisfied smiles from the faces of your peers that come in twos. Thankfully, a killer movie soundtrack and the sounds of seventeen (necessary) onscreen explosions are almost loud enough to drown out your piteous, alone–person tears. Get your laptop, get into the fetal position and let’s get started.
Oh, Neo—a vehicle for Wachowski greatness, a hero amongst men, and the first person who made me realize my whole life and belief in love was a lie. In choosing to forsake the relationship–addled, farcical realm of us plebeians to realize the mechanized, man–eating world that lies beneath, we salute you in your super relatable psycho–digital quest for truth. Get someone you love a red pill this holiday season.
If you thought Die Hard was a family–friendly film about a cop of incredible physical skill who would do anything to save his family, guess again. Die Hard is a cautionary tale about the dangers of relationships which often lead to pointillism–esque gunshot designs in office furniture and probable death for everyone involved. Don’t have the upper body strength to hang from the side of a building? Then you probably don’t have the strength to hold onto another person. Sorry, not sorry.
Now, a movie they should teach in Relationship 101! Relationships are like the ocean; you get into them thinking they’ll be safe, fun and great for Instagram pictures, and then you get your heart ripped out of your chest right in front of you. Suddenly, the opening notes to your favorite song only remind you of their toothy betrayal. For readers planning Spring Break trips with your sweethearts, maybe cross Cancun, Miami, and all coastal cities off your lists.
The Dark Night
Why watch the romantic 10 Things I Hate About You when you could see Heath Ledger at his iconic best? It’s not like your relationship will ever attain the greatness of The Joker, anyway, so why even bother trying? Besides, knowing you won’t have to face the dubious moral dilemmas of having a whole city—or, just another person—counting on you feels amazing! Get toasty and watch Gotham burn.
Know what’s cooler than the warmth of another human person? Dinosaurs. Yeah, maybe they chase you through a remote island where there’s literally no way to call for help. It happens to the best of us! And you should know that if you're hugging your significant other for dear life, there’s no way you can possibly hold on to your butt. At least be sure you can outrun them.