Printer-friendly version

Send to a friend

This Issue 12/04/2008

Also in this issue

• Dear Shabby
• Up A Creek Without An...

State College, USA

www.streetu.edu

CB code: 6969

Public six-year university

51,450 degree-seeking undergraduates; 5,800 people just there for the keggers

46% men, 54% women, 100% party animals

92% of applicants admitted

SAT required, high score not

Street University, located in picturesque State College, U.S.A. (just a stone’s throw from Anytown, U.S.A.), offers the consummate college experience for a fraction of the price. It was founded in 1865 by disgruntled Confederate general Jeremiah Street, the developmentally disabled great-great-nephew of Ben Franklin’s illegitimate son, William. According to legend, the university’s location marks the spot where Street injured himself zipping up his trousers in the woods before the Battle of Antietam. A large statue of a zipper in front of the main library commemorates the event. To this day, the university takes pride in its underdog heritage and seeks to educate the next generation of graceful losers. Street U. has since expanded to include satellite campuses in Bumblefuck, Schmumblefuck and Newark, N.J.

Student Body

Students at Street U., not to be confused with the lesser-known, yet much more selective University of Street (a member of the Fern League), come from the top 80% of their high school classes. Approximately 95% of students are state residents and 30% maintain commuter status (a school bus runs the Bumblefuck-Newark route four times daily). To qualify for admission, applicants must have one of the following: minimum SAT score of 600 (total), minimum high school GPA of 1.5 or otherwise sufficient qualifying factor (i.e. big muscles, gelled hair or large breasts). Currently enrolled students maintain an average GPA of 2.1 and/or a BAC of .117.

Academics

Street U. is famous throughout the Western world for its non-traditional stance on education. (Note: The University is not accredited in other hemispheres.) Unlike those stuffier bastions of higher learning back east, Street U. foregoes boring, useless disciplines like philosophy, history and biology in favor of a more populist approach to scholarship. Popular majors include Celebrity Studies, Astrology, Calligraphy, Origami, Physical Education, Plumbing Arts, Cosmetology, 21st-Century Wizard Literature, Business Administration of Small-town Grocery Stores, Postal Work, Pokemon and Recess. There is also an interdisciplinary Facebook department that is quickly gaining interest among students. A full third of Street U.-ers choose not to major in anything at all, instead pursuing a “Great YouTubes” curriculum (a more interactive variation on the “Great Books” programs offered at other schools).