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This Issue 12/04/2008

• Ego of the Week: Joe Francis
• Dear Shabby
• Jafar is Hotter When You're High
• Top Ten Awesomest Movies of All Time

Professors at Street U. are among the most recognized in their fields, due to Street U.’s aggressive strategy of recruiting top scholars that have been fired or otherwise disgraced at other institutions. All those brilliant minds who just so happen to have committed manslaughter/tax fraud/grand theft auto/possession of child pornography had to go somewhere. Just because they’re criminals doesn’t make them any less brilliant, and at Street U., no one holds the criminal part against them.

A Street U. education prepares graduates to take on a multitude of challenges after college. Once, a Street U. student even went on to graduate school. Most Street U. graduates, usually after a year of “post bac” work immersed in their parents’ basements, find themselves useful additions to the national workforce. Whether they're teachers, butchers, heads of state, dietitians or undertakers, Street U. grads serve french fries to them all. And your choice of sauces, too: have it your way.

Athletics

Athletics are the cornerstone of the Street U. experience for many students. Popular teams include football and basketball, and the university stadium is known to reach capacity during big games. The university recently added a luxury locker room and private players’ club to the east side of the stadium, even though it meant bulldozing the historic campus dining hall. Alumni of all ages return to cheer on their teams, and during the 2000 Homecoming game, one 95-year-old Street U. alum even met his death in the first row of the bleachers, crying out “Go Big Brown!”

The university mascot, the woolly mammoth, holds a special place in the hearts of students and alumni alike. Jeremiah Street himself was said to have been an avid hunter of woolly mammoths. Legend recounts that he met his demise in the forests of Newark, where he was gored by a woolly mammoth tusk.

Many students are full of enthusiasm for the “Mighty Mam,” and they show their support in a variety of ways, including vomiting from alcohol poisoning or streaking in nothing but a jock strap.

Social Life

Street U. offers a lively and diverse social atmosphere for students of all interests, with activities including (but not limited to):

Film club: a group that facilitates student appreciation for the fine art of cinema. Recent activities have included private screenings of Freddie Got Fingered and Babe: Pig in the City. Snacks included.

Dance team: a group that offers recourse for rejected cheerleaders. The team offers line-dancing lessons to town residents every Wednesday as a form of community service. Dances include local favorites such as Cotton-Eyed Joe, the Macarena and the Cha-Cha Slide.