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To the assistant women’s soccer coach: If you serve it into my box, I’ll finish every time.
To the KapSig who convinced a freshman to take it in the ass because “that’s what college girls do when they have their periods”: Why not just ask one of your brothers?
To the girls with the stripper pole right by your window: Just know that we skip Shabbat dinner every week to watch your sexy Friday night show. Keep it up, because we sure are. Love, AEPi.
To Penn Democrats: We get it. He won. Stop e-mailing me.
To Stephen Morse: Didn’t you graduate? Don’t call yourself a Penn student when you stupidly try to fight Black Panthers.
To Saturn Club: If I wanted a Brazilian wax, I would ask for one. Don’t take your frustration out on my va-jay-jay.
To the girl with the extreme side part: Check yourself. Your mom looks younger than you.
To my roommate who loves her birthday: You get one day, not a whole fucking month. [First ed. note: In these hard times, any reason to celebrate is a good reason. Kudos to your roommate.] [Other ed. note: Fuck your roommate!]
To Gossip Girl: You deserve a shoutout… because you're actually retarded… and everyone loves you… including me.
To the real “G” on campus: Yea, you won the Truman scholarship and are in two honor societies. But heads up: your beats are wack, you grew up in Westchester County NOT South Bronx and everybody can see through your false modesty. Not cute. You better up your vocabulary, before somebody calls you out for real.
To my roommate: I wasn’t sleeping when you fucked that 250 lb. whale with bad skin. Mistakes happen once, not five times.
To OCR and the economy: SUCK MY FUCKIN’ BALLS.
To the 25-foot truck we drove all night long: It took 45 minutes to get you started, but once we got your engine revved up, we were riding dirty. I miss you and your wide turns. Can’t wait to rendezvous in a barren parking lot in South Philly in the winter. Love, SENIORS '09 RULE.
To the Bristol Palin lookalike banker at the Citi information session: I wasn’t looking for your nametag, I was staring at your boobs.
To my freshman sibling: You’re already way cooler than I’ll ever be, but stay away from the drugs. You’re looking haggard. Love, Big Sis.
To the guy that lives across from me on Spruce: You accidentally saw me naked once, but next time it won’t be an accident.
To the girl in my grad class who looks like she has to take a dump all the time and interrupts her gchats to throw in the more pretentious bullshit I have ever heard: If you were crossing the street and I was driving a car, I probably would not stop. The look on your face would probably not change.
To the head of College Republicans: What was more painful, McCain losing or getting punched out by that lacrosse girl?
To Lil' Wayne: Seriously, what the fuck is a goon to a goblin? From, Beezy.
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THESE ARE THE WORST SHOUT OUTS EVER.
FUCK your inside jokes, your obvious and tasteless humor, your lazy writing and lazier editing.
Fuck you, KERRY for letting this happen.
And FUCK ALL STREET EDITORS for ruining the only exciting thing that happens in print at Penn!
So at 11:57 on a Saturday night, you are posting as "Anonymous" on the 34th street website. Fucking pathetic. You are a college student, it's Saturday night, and you are sitting alone at your desk criticizing people anonymously via the internet. How can you live with yourself? Honestly, that is perhaps the saddest, most miserable thing I have ever seen. The cowardice is truly remarkable--an anonymous post. Way to stand up for your principles. If you really have something to say, put your fucking name behind it.
You know what is even funnier? The fact that you spent your entire semester waiting around for shoutouts to come out, which you believe is the only exciting thing that happens at Penn. And you didn't like the shoutouts? Boo hoo--go fuck yourself. Some liked the shoutouts, some didn't. Only you started crying about it like a fucking 7 year old and decided to criticize people anonymously through the internet. Seriously, blow me you piece of shit.
--You're dumb
you didn't sign your name.
agreed.
sounds like someone got their ass handed to them in a shoutout, and isn't handling it all too well.
how about learning to take a joke and shutting the fuck up?
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