Printer-friendly version
To the avant-garde transfer: So, you’re bipolar. Too bad both of your personalities suck.
To my roommate who never showers: I spray you with Febreze while you’re asleep.
To all of you who start your sentences with, “I’m not gonna lie”: You guys should get together with those kids who start their questions with “I have a question…” Then you could go around stating obvious truths until you were comfortable with your intellectual abilities.
To the drunk baseball player: Asking me if I know “Candace” and then saying “Candace dick fit in your mouth?” was not the best way to get me into bed.
To Penn Fashion Week: Man leggings? Are you Satan?
To the Gentlemen of Four Thousand Pine: While I appreciate your efforts to set the mood for late night parties, my singed dress and second degree burns are evidence that you might want to revise your strategy. Keep the candles for your next circle of light ceremony. Lovingly, Fireman Sam
To the freshman who fake broke up with me: It’s just you and your hand tonight.
To the prick on 4th floor Pottruck: There is no “seat saving” for machines, not even for codependent gays who can’t get their HR up without seeing their (exercise) partner’s junk flapping about. Move on or get a room.
To the Guster band member who snorted whey protein at the after party: So much better than playing “the game with the balls and the cups.”
To the firecrotch who tried to kick Guster out of the after party: Way to be “that guy.” Hope you got the pounding your brothers promised you.
To the guy who said no to sex during a one night stand: Did you think you were getting another chance?
To the idiot in Houston who asked me for my receipt: Congrats. You got me on the one day I actually paid for my food.
To the economy: How did you know I liked being fucked up the ass?
To “Tree”: Sorry we haven’t had enough freshmen girls at our parties this semester for you to plant your seed. Maybe you should branch out and stop sticking your wood in Penn’s young saplings.
To our “star” housemate: You know why your dad came halfway across the country to the spring game? Because it would be worthless to come in the fall and see you on the bench.
To the girl on Beige who gets lots of attention: That’s because you have big jugs. I mean, your boobs are huge. I mean, I wanna squeeze ‘em!
To our awesome housemate: We figured out months ago that you’re pocketing some of the utilities money. But wouldn’t it be a little less obvious if you didn’t say we owed $600 every month?
Delicious
Digg
Facebook
Technorati
Grab the RSS feed
WORST shout outs ever. we looked forward to this all semester, and as a graduating senior al I can say is....what a fucking waste.
Yeah, these kind of sucked. Are you guys afraid of lawsuits, or are people just being nicer this year?
To the kids who don't smoke weed: smoke weed
To the attention starved PiKapps: I was confused as to why you had been shouted out so many times, until I realized you had written them yourself. At chapter. I egged your house.
To the girl in my Ironic Romance seminar who thought I couldn't see her drawing my portrait in her notebook: I never thought an English class could be so sketchy!
That’s because you have big jugs. I mean, your boobs are huge. I mean, I wanna squeeze ‘em!
Post new comment