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This Issue 12/10/2009

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• Ego Of The Week: Alex Mack
• Defibrillator: Green Day “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” (1997)

Hey guys! All That's Ashley here (that's me!) to answer this week’s tweens pressing issues. Read on to hear my smart and sassy advice, because remember, I'm the older sister you wish you always had.

Dear Ashley,
Every day in Social Studies I sit behind Kimberly and every day in Language Arts she sits next to me too. She has really shiny hair and really shiny butterfly clips in it. She has the coolest light up sketchers and when she walks away, I can’t stop staring at them/her. I think I love her Ashley! But I don’t know how to get her to notice me because I don’t have light-up sketchers and all the other kids call me Fatty McLovehandles but my mom tells me it’s just because we have big bones in my family. Help me win her heart forever Ashley.
—Boy in love with the prettiest girl in the world

Dear ‘Boy,’
We know how you feel. We were once young and in love too. But we quickly realized that the fat kid never gets out of the “friend zone.” We know from experience that pretty girls with Sketchers just don’t talk to fat boys. She’ll probably go on to date Tommy, the all-star basketball stud, and you will have to settle for your right hand. But don’t worry, let this be a life lesson: don’t aim too high because you will fail.
—Ash

Dear Ashley,
I’m Beth Jessum, but you can call me BJ because almost everyone does except my Mommy and my Daddy. I am in Ms. Kelly’s 2nd grade class at Abingdon Elementary School. On Saturday, my sister Ginny and her friends had a slumber party and I heard them talking about a something ‘blowjob’, and I don’t know what that is. Ginny was like “it was so small and hairy and gross” and the only thing I can think of is our chubby little cocker spaniel named Ronnie J, but I’ve never seen her blow on him before and she hasn’t had a job at the ice cream store since last summer. Then her friend Courtney was like “if you cup his balls then he’ll come like he’s never come before,” but why would you put a ball in a cup when you put chocolate milk in a cup. And maybe she was talking about when Ronnie J went to the vet when he was a puppy because he was too wide. What were they talking about, Ashley?
Left out and confused,
—BJ

Dear BJ,