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This Issue 03/19/2009

• What Penn Alum Are You... In Bed?
• Feng Shui the Penn Way
• Bikes: A Guide
• The Round Up: 3.19.09

Penn regurgitates some pretty impressive peeps, yo. You should aspire not only for their powers in the boardroom, but also their prowess in the bedroom. Whether your sexual mantra follows the words of Marvin Gaye ("Baby, I’m hot just like an oven/I need some lovin’"), or those of David Banner ("Finger fuck your pussy like you want some, girl"), rest assured your Penn degree will help you magna cum loudly.

1. How often are you game to try new positions?
A. New ones? What new ones?
B. I stick to the Eiffel Tower.
C. Never. It Don’t Have to Change.
D. I switch it up as often as I do my comb-over.

2. The biggest thing I focus on while having sex with a new partner is:
A. How much more of this do I have to endure before I get that yellow cushion-cut diamond?
B. “CHASTITY. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another’s peace or reputation.”
C. P.D.A. We Just Don’t Care.
D. My penis.

3. On a scale of 1-10, how sexy do you feel about your bod when you’re knockin’ boots?
A. 10. I didn’t pay for all that plastic surgery for nothing.
B. 10. I’m big, bald and beautiful.
C. Each Day Gets Better.
D. Are you for real? 13.5.

4. If your partner isn’t quite hitting your buttons, you?
A. Suck it in and suck it up.
B. I lost my buttons a long time ago.
C. Used to Love U.
D. “You’re a fat loser, a fat pig and a slob. And disgusting.”

5. Does your mind ever wander to mundane things during sex?
A. What does mundane mean?
B. “TRANQUILITY. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.”
C. Where Did My Baby Go?
D. No.

6. Who is your ideal sex partner?
A. Donald Trump
B. Madeleine Albright
C. Maxine
D. Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth

7. What kind of sounds do you typically make in bed?
A. I pull a Sally Albright.
B. Grunts and the occasional belch.
C. Show Me.
D. You’re fired.

8. Fill in the blank: If I were reincarnated as a bra I would be _______?
A. Agent Provocateur, duh
B. French laced corset
C. Let’s Get Lifted
D. Jock strap

9. When it comes to the concept of monogamy, you?
A. Marriage is like shopping: no sales are final.
B. “SINCERITY. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.” What Sue doesn’t know won’t hurt her.
C. She Don’t Have to Know.
D. Never been a fan.

10. Your idea of giving your partner a sexy surprise for his/her b-day is?
A. Nothing. I’m the best gift he’ll ever have.
B. A kite.
C. Heaven.
D. A first edition, signed copy of Trump: the Art of the Deal