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To the girl who kept insisting “she never does this” as she went down on me: You didn't have to keep stopping and telling me. Your method said more than enough.
To all the women who feel left out of Movember: Remember, moustaches can tickle both sets of lips.
To the “dirtiest” house on campus: Please play Miley Cyrus louder so we won’t hear you having sex through the walls.
To the guy who donated the urinals in Van Pelt: Congrats on being the person I most often think of while holding my cock.
To the girls who nickname themselves, their house and everything around them: It’s not j’adorable, frankly it’s j’annoying as fuck. Jugs and jisses.
To SFCU: STFU.
To the kid who sings in the shower: I don’t wanna take a ride on your disco stick.
To the senior with platinum hair and orange skin: Room Raiders is no longer casting.
To my film professor: After you come inside my liminal space, can I examine you ontologically?
To my antisocial roommate: A piss for a piss. I will pee on you one day, I promise.
To the matador who fell asleep during a Halloween blow job: Next time I’ll just get the Rocky Mountain oysters — at least they come au jus.
To the cow that stole my matador pants: I need them for next weekend when I take down another one.
To our fave Features edz: Fondle my dongle?
To Marathon: It takes the average woman 8 beatings before she leaves an abusive partner. Why haven’t we learned after 4 years?
To Saxbys: Why you gotta put doody in yo’ coffee?
To the garden gnome in Theta: Everyone knows you didn’t actually have swine flu. It’s called gonorrhea.
To the blonde who quenches her thirst with vodka: Way to show off by peeing in front of the DIALYSIS clinic.
To Kappa Sig: What’s the running rate to get TriDelts and Thetas to attend your parties? Sincerely, Phi Psi
To the asshat who thought abusing a recorder constituted a Halloween costume: We hope the actual flute player from the 4th floor impales you with the real thing.
To anyone who met me on Halloween: I’m sorry.
To the girl in my finance class who told me to wear less perfume: Put a bag over your head or move seats.
To celiacs: You be ‘rexic. Stop your lies.
To the tramp stamped blonde who was passed out on my roommate’s bed: FYI, two boys were having wild sex inches from your face. Seriously, we tried to get as close to your face as we could without waking you up.
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To the twenty-something who sits outside of Sansom West every day smoking a pipe: You're like a table saw. You may be the sharpest one, but you're still the biggest tool.
Kudos Penn, these are some of the best shout outs in YEARS.
To the girl who keeps trying to sleep with my boyfriend: you've been throwing yourself at him for three years. I played hard to get for a year and a half. I win. You should learn something, slut.
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