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This Issue 02/04/2010

• Toasts & Roasts
• Sparks Fly
• Guilty Pleasure: Troop Beverley Hills (1989)
• 12 Words To Make You Sound Smart

This week' alum: Petey "Buttons" Mickelson (W' 25), Penn Football Player 1921 - 1925

Both teams have strong passing games. Which defense is better prepared to stop an air attack? - Pumped For Passing

Back when I played, if you slung the pigskin like it was Lucky Lindy sittin’ pretty in the Spirit of St. Louis, you were probably nothin’ more than a dolled up dewdropper. Today, fellas are out there with helmets and pads that’ll protect even a genuine Ethel against a baby grand, so it just shows that the Colts and Saints are a bunch of high hats and rag-a-muffins. If you think any of these so-called torpedoes taking the field Sunday could play in my day, you can go tell it to Sweeney.

I think I’m going to bet on the game this year. Who should I put my money on? - Gambling In Gregory

The only time I toss around heavy sugar is when I’m zozzled on giggle water. If you’re makin’ decisions that can lose you simoleons when the economy’s far from Jake, you’re either a dumb Dora or you’re Herby Hoover.

My girlfriend wants to go out to dinner instead of watching the game. What should I do? - Smothered By My Sweetheart

Applesauce! You can’t be struggle buggy to this bearcat, even if she is the most hotsy-totsy tomato in town. Stick her in some glad rags and just get a wiggle on after the game for a ritzy owltime toot at your local juice joint. You don’t want to get her into a lather during the game though, so make sure she knows you’re gonna be the big six and drop a stack of clams. She’ll forget all about that hooey request and tell her flat tire friends you’re the elephant’s eyebrows.