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This Issue 09/29/2005

Also in this issue

• BAM! ('s Uncle)
• Starving your sanity
• Athletic Abilities

Catcher in the Rye
You've moved to the head of your English class by drawing uncanny parallels between every literary character and Holden Caulfield. You even got yourself kicked out of prep school, just for the cache. You know that there has been no good writing since Salinger, thus you stopped reading when he stopped speaking.

The Great Gatsby
Fitzgerald was so cool. He was, like, so important to literature. You understand that having a mansion in Great Neck and color-coordinated, folded shirts won't bring happiness, only Long Island gold diggers. That's an important lesson in life.

The DaVinci Code

You haven't read a book since seventh grade. The DaVinci Code changed all that; now you know about religion, art and Paris.

Lolita

You read this the week before you lost your virginity. You're sexually mature, sophisticated, and have an appreciation for all Russian literature or at least the books where there's a lot of sex.

1984

You understand the dangers of totalitarianism, over-centralized power, and treason. P.S. Congratulations on being named treasurer of the College Republicans!

American Psycho

Your private education taught you to recognize satire and irony. You admire Patrick Bateman for his efforts to rid New York's streets of vagrants and homosexuals and hope that someday you, too, can fulfill your sexual and murderous fantasies with a pair of Brooklyn hookers.