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This Issue 10/06/2005

Also in this issue

• Word on the street: My Tummy Says it's sorry
• We aren't waiting for godot
• Editors' Picks
• Unbreakable

Moderated by Alf. We don't know why, either.

Alf: Welcome, friends. As an alien living far away from my home planet and native people, I eat cats. We're here today to discuss other matters. Karl, let's start with you. The college years can be a scary time. What advice would you give Penn students to remind them that everyone's equal on the inside?

Karl Marx: Absolutely none, Alf. Where is the proletariat at Penn? In the classroom? Hogwash! He's blowing the leaves off of Locust Walk so your oppressive feet don't get leafy. He's cooped up in the basement of Houston Hall making oppressive salads to please your leafy palates. Or he's dwelling in the urban ghettos that surround --

Alf: Thanks, Karl, err, for those relevant and appropriate words.

Bob Dylan: Geehhhwzz, uuoOOzzhh!

Alf: Yes, Bob?

Bob Dylan: Did he say leaf? You mean grass, man.

Karl: Grass? What is this grass?

Bob: You're talking about grass, man. Leaves are just blowin' in the wind.

Alf: Hmmm, Bob, I'm not sure I follow.

Bob Dylan: We're students, man, and it's a scary world out there. Government's explodin' the Middle East, enslaving workers in China, Karl, and you don't even care. The proletariat is nowhere. Jesus is twirling his hair. We're the youth and we've got the constitution for a little revolution.

Alf: Actually, Bob, you're 64. You're not really of the youth anymore. Though you were pretty great back in the day. I love Blonde on Blonde. Listen to it all the time.

Bob Dylan: Thanks for the Karma, Alf. GhzzemouEEh!

Karl Marx: I listened to Blonde on Blonde. I thought it was uninspired.

Alf: Well, I read the Communist Manifesto and thought it was na‹¨«vely utopian.

Jesus Christ: I preach love.

Karl: It will be utopia when the workers rise up!

Alf: See? Isn't he na‹¨«ve?

Bob: He is what he is, man.

Karl: Utopian!

Alf: Na‹¨«ve!

Karl: Utopian!

Alf: Nai-

Jesus: Rainbow?

Alf: Jesus, please don't interru-

Jesus: I'm sorry, my friend. My love fills oceans and moves mountains, but right now I sense tension in the room. Let us love together. How about a joke? OK, here goes: Why did Karl Marx get in trouble during grade school?

Bob: Who knows, man?

Karl: This had better be good.

Jesus: ... because he socialized too much! Get it? My Father told me that one. He's got a great sense of humor.

Karl: Quiet, you self-loathing Jew. Your "love" allows the bourgeoisie to practice domination and enslavement. I preach revolution because that is the only means to collective liberation.