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• Shoutouts

This Issue 11/02/2006

Also in this issue

• Clippin' it old-school
• Same old stuff
• Driving in circles
• A diamond in the very rough
• Not just child's play
• Halloween

To my well-endowed sister: Don't tell me I'm missing something and then stuff my bra with your dirty socks. You stole the genes for big boobs. Feel guilty.

To the kid that got his ear sliced: When I read the article I felt bad for the victim, but when I found out it was you, my heart was warmed.

To the sorority sophomore who did coke off my dick at Denim: I can't believe I wasted good blow on a bad blow.

To Jar-Jar Binks: Butt Gerbil is craving your return, please come home soon.

To my no-longer-virgin friend who tells the story: "So I wake up facing the wall and I'm thinking 'Where am I? Why am I naked? Whose hand is running up my side?'": Congrats on this milestone, babe. I'm sure he loved it when you yelled, "Are we having sex?" halfway through.

To the boy who said he wanted to sleep with his fingers inside of me even though he knew I had my period and to my friend who said it wasn't that weird: I want to set you up, you sick fucks.

To the beast I hooked up with: I had a condom, but I didn't want to have sex with you. I just wanted a B.J. And, no, I won't go to Wawa to buy some.

To the Owls: Lighting kids on fire and smashing them with bottles really isn't that cool, go back to Europe. Oh, and nice job writing your own Wikipedia article. By the way, we all know who you are.

To the Asian girl who worships Mask and Wig: You make all women look bad. Get a spine and get off your knees. Love, every woman at Penn.

To my freshman year hallmate who ditched me during NSO: You wish you were friends with me now. P.S. I fucked your boyfriend. I was wearing boots. He wasn't wearing a condom.

To Keg Man: The pancakes, eggs, and 72 hours of pillow talk were great and all, but next time, could ya just tap my keg? Thanks a bunch compadre!

To the idiot in the cab next to me: I'm glad you decided to reach out your window and open my door on the freeway - I've always wanted to hang perilously out of a moving car.

Dear Penn boys: I have grown out my hair and no longer look like a lesbian. Anytime you want to get the hint would be greatly appreciated.

To the Admissions Office: If you don't start making girls submit a picture with their applications I'm going to turn gay. Not the nice fashion-savvy gay, the creepy make-videos-of-me-with-little-boys gay. Oh wait, that's clich‚ now? So is our lack of attractive bitches. Fix it.

To the dude who's dating my ex-girlfriend: On the dinner menu tonight. MY DICK. Hope you enjoy the taste every time you make out, tool.

To the skeezer AEPi senior: Stop trying to be like your pledgemaster. We know that Humpty Dumpty still comes over to bone so stop denying it. Also, please admit that you secretly love Codd Tooper and everything that he stands for.

To my macroecon teacher who made us buy the book she wrote: Apparently you think "te" is an alternate spelling of "the." Perhaps you think my C+ is an alternate spelling of A-? Perhaps you're just stupid.