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• 'Bourne' scribe takes Ritalin
• Five guys in one room
• Fear is not a factor
• Batman Saves the Day

This Issue 11/16/2006

Also in this issue

• Forever young but eternally weird
• Trail of tears
• Dazed & understood
• Harpy, but in a good way
• Tappy crap
• Maoz, my tongue!

U.S. children showing hardening of arteries. Pedophiles showing hardening of... veins.

Spanish businessman pleaded guilty to the illegal harvesting of Chilean sea bass. Confused businessman claims he mistook the fish for a whale's vagina.

To boost morale and retention rates, firms have begun compensating employees with bigger job titles. Incidentally, new on the business scene, Head Professional Custodian of Lavatational Urinal Pastries has been named Fortune 500's #1 rising star.

U.S. officials believe Castro has terminal cancer. Cuba Gooding Jr. sends his condolences.

Toys for Tots rejects talking Jesus dolls. Bidding war started over Tickle Me Buddha.

Man found guilty of burning ex-girlfriend's kitten. Damn, that's one fired up pussy.

27 arrested in online gambling bust. 27 people found living inside Pamela Anderson's bust.

Dallas suburb cracks down on illegal immigrants. Arnold Schwarzenegger goes into hiding.

Denise Richards regrets throwing a laptop off a balcony in Canada. She insists it crashed while trying to reboot her career.