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This Issue 12/07/2006

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Human Rights Watch Report #3R72: Federal agents recently stormed facilities in Xi Pang highlands on suspected sweatshop activities with celebrity connections. Inside, the agents discovered Kathy Lee Gifford, flailing a cat'o nine tails at 8 year-old Vietnamese children, forced to stitch sweatshirts with their teeth.
The heart of the operation was Meryl Street, forcing preteens to manually pack her own brand-name ice cream, Meryl's Mixins. When agents burst onto the scene, Street was punching the children in the kidneys, cursing furiously in Cambodian and saying that that if they don't work harder, she would "make the [Vietnam] War seem like a dream. Didi Mau!"
Despite tazering Street multiple times and liberally applying pepper spray, agents claim that the woman continued to bite and spit at agents. Not until Sgt. Briggs delivered a series kicks to Street's midsection did the two time Academy Award winner finally comply with authorities.