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This Issue 12/07/2006

Also in this issue

• Give me 5
• Meryl Street is a Fucking Genius
• Menopause
• Queen of the hill
• Meryland Crab Cakes
• GUTMANN TERROR PHOTO SCANDAL

GIve me Meryl

Prime

Richard L. Solomon Laboratories of

Experimental Psychology

Friday, 3 p.m. - 5 p.m., $29.99

(900) 647-2536

Are you daunted by the prospect of countless years in grad school? Do you think that PSYC 001 has already amply prepared you to scribble on a notepad while uttering some insightful musings under your breath? Well aspiring therapists, you're in luck. Now you don't have to go to school to get your Ph.D. - this cutting-edge 12-step program, "Prime," teaches you how to look, act and think like a real psychoanalyst! Famous graduates of "Prime" include Sigmund Freud (who was so satisfied with the program he enrolled his daughter Anna when she was nine), Carl Jung (who tried to be Freud) and Andrew Shatte. Not only will you be "primed and ready" to start seeing patients, but you'll also receive a set of 20 Rorschach inkblots and diagnosis book - absolutely free! Afterwards, participants are encouraged to just lounge on the couch and talk about their childhoods.

- Meryl Minelli

still not enough

Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events

Lake Lachrymose

Until the leeches arrive, Sat, 10 p.m. - 2 a.m., free

1-800-ANWHISTLE

www.auntjosephinelives.com

There is no better place to spend your rockin' Saturday night than at creepy Lake Lachrymose. Never mind the disgusting, bloodsucking leeches, nothing is more terrifying than welcome mats, doorknobs, couches or. realtors (gasp!). Admission is free, so long as the insurance company doesn't find out about that nasty leech problem I just alluded to. Paxil, Xanax, and other anti-anxiety drugs are highly recommended - phobias run amuck at Lake Lachrymose. Also, be on the lookout for suicide notes and torn life-jacket remnants. Dude, that shit is whack. But, seriously. Bring a date, come prepared (make sure there are no holes in your boat, that you don't smell like meat, etc.), and enjoy an evening of neurosis and fear at the most bizarre body of water this side of the Mississippi.

- Meryl Gulia

GIVE ME some more

The Ant Bully

My Backyard

Until it's too cold, Mon-Fri, 7 a.m.-10 a.m., free

(555) IAM-QUEEN

www.HowToBeAnAnt.com