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This Issue 12/07/2006

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You could be hung with an Oscar and two Golden Globes, but if you can't set the stage like a Hollywood pro, you ain't getting near that white orchid. But have no fear: our patented Music to Fuck Meryl Street to mix is guaranteed to unroll her red carpet in no time at all. These ditties are virtually guaranteed to be your EZ-Pass across the Bridge and deep into Madison County.

"Deutschland
Uber Alles"
by The Jingle Dogs

Set the scene with a nice red from the Ruhr valley. Over dessert, offer her a gift of lederhosen and the complete works of Friedrich Nietzsche. Our promise: Sophie's choice? Your bratwurst.

"Bawitdaba"
by Kid Rock

Even though Street was born a Yankee, this Southern sex anthem will put you balls-deep in her bang the bang diggy diggy. For additional mood-setting: Camero, Slim Jims, crystal meth. [To all my homies in the county in cell block six: This Street's for you. - Ed.]

"Don't Stop Believing"
by Journey

Small town girl: check. Lonely world: check. Midnight train going straight to poontangville? You know it. And throw in a post-coital Greek Lady for good measure. We recommend the chicken gyro with bleu cheese and hot sauce.

"It's Time To Party"
by Andrew W.K.

Let's face it freshmen. Street is a mature, experienced woman. She's probably had more dick than Kenn Kweder's had Street features. But how many times has this MILF done it to The Wolf? De-flower Street's rose with the weed-whacker any day. Speaking of Kweder...

"Heroin"
by Kenn Kweder

Anyone familiar with the May 4, 1995, Street feature "Kweder Down Under" will recall the scintillating confession that Kweder once snorted an 8-ball of Columbian blow from the depths of Street's pleasure hole in the janitor's closet at Smoke's. 'Nuff said.

"Gasolina"
by Daddy Yankee

As an equal opportunity publication, Street Music would like to dedicate this selection to nuestros leyedores latinos: Que puta! Por desgracia, esto no es "Latino Street." Chinga mis jefes! Pero hay un poquito sabor mexicano para ti aqui. Toca esta cancion cuando quieres follar toda la noche con la mamacita de mamacitas: Senora Calle.

Stephen Morse's "Bob Casey" YouTube

One way to spread any pair of legs: show the goods. If it sounds like Stephen's huge mouth is full of his tongue, just think of what else it could fill. We've got your stocking stuffer right here.

"Livin' on a Prayer"
by Bon Jovi

Street's New Jersey, born and raised. Put on this tune, and let's just say it won't just be that meathead taking off his shirt, openly weeping, and looking to be nurtured.